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Christmas Gifts for the Canadiens

Posted By Corey Krakower On Dec 29 2009 @ 4:30 pm In Montreal Canadiens | 1 Comment

A healthy Montreal Canadiens roster (and by that I mean the return of Markov and the incredible play of Halak) has turned this team around for now. They have won 4 of their last 5, all of which have been on the road, and they conclude their 7 game road trip with 2 “home games” in Tampa and in Florida. There is plenty of positive and some negative to go around, but for now, I wanted to focus on something else.

Christmas has come and gone; and I decided to let readers in on some top-secret information. Even though athletes are very wealthy and generally buy great presents for their loved ones and people close to them, they are also on the receiving end of some great gifts. Here is a list of what members of the Montreal Canadiens received this year.

Bob Gainey – a cell phone plan with unlimited outgoing calls; because then he just might actually pick up his phone and make a call. Perhaps to Plekanec’s agent?

Coach Martin – the updated version of the book “Tactics for Coaching in the NHL”; because clearly the version he is using was published in the early 1990s.

Scott Gomez – it doesn’t matter what he got, because like the puck, he will eventually lose possession of it

Andrei Markov – the letter “C”

Marc-Andre Bergeron – a portable GPS; hopefully it will include a map of the defensive zone so that he can figure out where to be

Maxim Lapierre – a 1-way ticket to Hamilton; no explanation needed

Hal Gill – a pet turtle; because he can relate to something that is notoriously slow and can’t survive on ice.

Jaroslav Halak – a remote control that can be used on people; so that he can push the mute button when his agent opens his mouth (or his computer)

Carey Price – Viagra; because right now no one can tell if he’s going to be on the rise or trending downwards

Georges Laraque – membership to a retirement home; but only if he starts using it right away

Matt D’Agostini – a cure for his current disease called ‘invisibility’

Ryan O’Byrne – nothing; because every shift he gets is a generous gift

Mike Cammalleri – Metamucil (for those that don’t know; it’s a supplement that brings some daily consistency to bowel movements…I just ruined the joke); so that he can produce and explode with regularity.

Benoit Pouliot – some game film of Guillaume Latendresse; because its funny when someone watches him for the first time and has to ask “am I watching him in slow-mo or real time?”

Glen Metropolit – a special time machine that allows him to hit his prime at 25 instead of 35.

Travis Moen – a new agent; because he should fire the one who was only able to get him the exact same contract term and dollars as Georges Laraque

Jaroslav Spacek – the fake birth certificate that he gave to the Habs before they signed him; because there’s no way they would have signed someone who they thought was 35 to a 3 year contract.

Tomas Plekanec – honorary CPR certification; for bringing Andrei Kostitsyn back to life

Sergei Kostitsyn – lessons from Dany Heatley on how to effectively demand a trade

Andrei Kostitsyn – memory loss to the entire city of Montreal; so that people will forget that he was drafted ahead of Carter, Richards, Perry, Getzlaf, Parise, Brown, Seabrook and Kesler.

Max Pacioretty and Josh Gorges – a copy of the receipt from their trade from San Jose to Montreal in exchange for Craig Rivet so that the teams can trade back; because lets face it, they have a better chance to win the cup this year with the Sharks than with the Habs.

Paul Mara – a round of golf; because at least there his -12 would be impressive

 

 


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