Let’s face it, you know it’s true. The Kings are officially better than your favorite team. It may have always been true, yet made cloudy by the presence of Gretzky’s turtleneck. Well wonder no more hockey fans, I’m here to break down why the Kings are better than each and every team in the league.
Anaheim – Well for one, Anze Kopitar has more armpit hair than Ryan Getzlaf has on his head. Also, one of the best retired Ducks players now works at a bar in L.A. That’s right, I’m talking about Adam Banks.
Atlanta – The Thrashers may have more playoff appearances in the past 5 seasons, but the Kings have just as many playoff wins.
Boston – Jonathan Quick got a Silver Medal without even having to break a sweat. Thomas had to put on all his gear and sit on the bench every night. He even had to log some ice-time! That makes Quick better, right?
Buffalo – Los Angeles based company Hanna-Barbera designed your logo for you in 1960 when they drew Barney Rubble‘s hair.
Calgary – Phuthbert was a flop on your end, but the Actress half of the combo is still popular in L.A. Oh, and Elisha Cuthbert ain’t so bad either, zing!
Carolina – It may seem that the Tim Gleason for Jack Johnson trade is somewhat of a wash, but Johnson still has his body of musical work. That’s the same guy, right?
Chicago – The mob is so 1920′s. Gangs are where it’s at nowadays.
Colorado – Ryan Smyth looks better in our colors. Or at least they do a better job of hiding his cross-eyes.
Columbus – It seems that Ohio was so miserable that Fredrik Modin sucked on purpose in order to get traded. He seems fine to us.
Dallas – The only place where Mike Ribeiro is considered a “Star”. If you told someone in L.A. he is a star they would likely tell you being a professional diver doesn’t make you a star, hey-oh!
Detroit - The Kings are actually ahead of the Red Wings this season. On an unrelated note, any and all photos of me injuring your key players are unequivocally falsified.
Edmonton – We squeezed the tube of Patrick O’Sullivan until it was empty before trading him to you.
Florida - Your playoff drought makes ours look like a week without rain.
Minnesota – You may sell out all of your games, but we routinely sell out all of our beer. Sigh.
Montreal – Wayne Simmonds, Dustin Brown, and Alexander Frolov combined are cheaper than Scott Gomez. No, we don’t want to trade.
Nashville – We have Barry Trotz‘s neck.
New Jersey – We didn’t want Kovalchuk anyway!
New York Islanders – We warmed Matt Moulson up for you. Enjoy!
Ottawa – We did you a favor when Jarret Stoll called off his wedding to Rachel Hunter. We all know Fisherwood would have nothing on Huntstoll.
Pittsburgh – Soon Pens fans will be desensitized to winning and it will lose all of it’s joy. The years of losing have Kings fans set up to appreciate the heck out of winning!
Philadelphia – The Hartnell to L.A. deal was all set to happen until he saw the clause that stated he would have to appear on “Shear Genius“.
Phoenix – We have more fans for the visiting team attend our games than you have home fans. That’s a good thing, right?
San Jose – We have just as many Cups as you guys but our golf game is much better than yours.
St. Louis – The main reason we took Drew Doughty 2nd overall? Enjoy pronouncing “Pietrangelo”.
Tampa Bay - We sent Barrie and Koules from Hollywood just to mess with you guys. We only had to see “Saw IV” signs on billboards, not our keeper’s mask.
Toronto – The Kings drove Brian Burke crazy by playing so poorly for so long and giving his Ducks easy wins that he lost his edge. What you didn’t know: it was our secret plan to sabotage the Leafs.
Vancouver – Is it any question who’s better between the Sedin twins and the Olsen twins? You got it dude!
Washington – Drew Doughty with a Gold Medal? I’d say that’s vindication for his selection for the team, eh Mike Green?
I hope I wasn’t too harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts. Once everyone starts accepting facts then life will be so much easier. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m developing a headache from staring at my computer screen with these forum-blue glasses on.
Until next time, keep reading my royal subjects!
About the Author
Written by Eric Cooney
Eric Cooney was born in Pennsylvania, grew up in North Carolina, and lives in Los Angeles, CA. He shares his thoughts on the NHL as one man who is a northerner, southerner, east coaster, and west coaster. Follow him on Twitter @EricCooney