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Dolphins vs. Jets: The Movie

Posted By Brian Saa On Sep 26 2010 @ 12:51 am In Miami Dolphins | No Comments

One of the most intense rivalries in the NFL continues tomorrow as the Jets visit the Dolphins.  In lieu of the standard game preview, I decided to give the fans something fun to think about.  What if Hollywood, instead of making another comic book movie, made a film version of the Dolphins-Jets game?  Here is my imagined cast. Sorry for the crude pictures, as I do not have Photoshop.  If you want to buy it for me, I will not complain.

And…action!

Seth Rogen as Chad Henne – I was considering Christian Bale, but once Henne takes off the helmet, he’s a much less imposing figure. Rogen portrayed a hard-faced mall cop in Observe & Report and can bring that emotionless stare to play Chad Henne.
[1]

Columbus Short as Brandon Marshall – In order to play Brandon Marshall, the actor has to be both a charmer and an in-shape dude. Columbus Short is a rising star who can also show off his swagger (see Stomp the Yard. Better yet, don’t.) But he would be good here.

[2]

Kevin Hart as Ronnie Brown – Ronnie Brown can be caught smiling now and then and has a similar stature as Kevin Hart. Both are high-energy guys that move around a lot. The tiny Kevin Hart reminds me of Ronnie, as long as he doesn’t make us laugh too often.

[3]

Mr. T as Ricky Williams – Old guy who should be in bad shape but somehow defies science and remains a physically fit force to be reckoned with. Just like…Mr. T. I pity the fool who try to tackle Ricky!

[4]

Ed O’Neill as Tony Sparano – This was the hardest one to cast. Tony Sparano is a nice guy who also can yell at his team and get them going. I figure Ed O’Neill could lose a few pounds and nail the lovable but gruff role. Besides, O’Neill already has football coaching experience from Little Giants.

[5]

Gary Busey as Bill Parcells – As this point in his life, the enigmatic Parcells has a bit of a beat down look to him. Who better to portray that than the always beaten down Gary Busey? Parcells stepped back from the Dolphins recently, so his role in the film would be considerably smaller. It still gives us an excuse to put Gary Busey in a movie, so win-win.

[6]

Dan Marino as Dan Marino- Having portrayed Dan Marino in past films such as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Bad Boys II, Dan Marino should have no problem reprising his most famous character.

[7]

Ursula the Sea Witch as Rex Ryan – What better way to portray the NFL’s biggest cartoon character than an actual animated one?  Impossibly large and with a flair for drama, Rex Ryan is to the land what Ursula is to the sea. NOTE: If Robert Zemeckis directs the movie, it would include a motion-capture performance by Drew Carey.

[8]

Adrian Grenier as Mark Sanchez – Two New York pretty boys who are in prestigious roles despite questions of their actual talent. Simply put, a match made in heaven. Or hell. If Mark Sanchez ever appeared on Entourage, I think the world would explode.

[9]

Isaiah Mustafa as Braylon Edwards – What better person to play the cocky troublemaker than the Old Spice Guy? It’ll let him stretch his acting wings during the film’s scenes within the Jets’ troubled locker room. Also, Mustafa is just awesome, so the more he’s in, the better.

[10]

Boris Kodjoe as Jason Taylor – One of the most important people in this rivalry is Jason Taylor. After leaving the Dolphins, he went to the hated Jets and now must deal with the consequences. Kodjoe could be Taylor’s twin, for Pete’s sake.

[11]

Romany Malco as Santonio Holmes – Holmes has yet to play a vital role in the rivalry, but you can bet he will be a problem for the Dolphins once he’s off suspension. Malco, the talented actor from Weeds and The Forty Year Old Virgin, has the build and acting chops to show us the longing that Holmes is no doubt feeling. Holmes/Malco will play a larger part in any sequels.

[12]

Derek Luke as Darrelle Revis – After succesfully portraying Diddy in the Notorious B.I.G. biopic, Luke is a great choice to play another talented man looking for a payday. Considering the prominent role Revis has with the Jets, it is good that Luke would have the talent to pull it off.

[13]

Mark Ruffalo as Mike Tannenbaum – Ruffalo is the most acclaimed actor on this list and would be able to portray the complete douche that is Mike Tannenbaum to a T.

[14]

Zach Gilford as Young Chad Pennington – We learn the backstory of Chad Pennington via flashbacks. The Friday Night Lights actor would be the perfect guy to bring the former Jet/current Dolphin’s perspective. He would also serve as our narrator through the epic struggle.

[15]

Oh, and Joanna Krupa as a Dolphins cheerleader. Because I said so.

[16]

If anyone else comes up with a better Tony Sparano actor, I’ll include you in my next article. And virtually high five you.

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