Welcome to the 20th ESPY’s. As well as my first annual running diary of the “Award Show for Sports.” This year’s host is Rob Riggle, he’s no Seth Meyers, and you probably don’t recognize the name, but he’s one of those “Oh yeah, I know who that is” guys.
But because I’m running late, let’s get to it:
(All times Eastern Standard time.)
9:00- This opening monologue of the year in sports is always fun to watch, reminding us of why we all watch sports. And if you’re wondering why I skipped the 2 hour countdown show, you can think for yourself. (Actually, you probably have no idea. It’s because it’s so repetitive and it’s almost like watching PTI, Mike and Mike, and SportsNation all in one. However, I could watch all of those everyday. No point in writing about it.)
9:03- The switch from all the deaths in sports to all the championships this year is really a big jump from somber to the feeling of winning. I’d like to talk to the producers.
9:07- Where’s Riggle? Oh thank god, he’s right there! Go Rob! Host the crap out of this show! Yeah!
9:09- Let’s just say Rob is off to a slow start with the jokes…Waiting for the “Juwan Howard looks like a professor” joke.
9:11- I bet Bill Simmons is loving this “Cleveland sucks” routine. Personally, I hate it. Go Browns.
9:13: Are you kidding me? Tebow?! Have you noticed whenever he talks, it looks like he read from a script. I’m not calling him a phony, but just speculating. You too Calipari.
9:17- Making a BountyGate joke is too far. Might of drew a few laughs, but we don’t even know if it’s true. Actually, screw it. This is the ESPY’s! Rob Riggle does what he wants! Yeah!
9:21- Riggle tells the truth on racing and the Danica Patrick commercials. Gotta love that kind of stuff.
9:22- Unfortunately we are now done with all the jokes. On to what the show is meant for, the awards. See we shouldn’t of stopped the jokes, Jeremy Lin had no right to win that award. All the other athletes who were up for it, all had better seasons. Even the soccer player had the edge because she was attractive. (Wait, did I just say that? Let’s move on.)
9:29- Not looking forward to the point in the show when Game 162 is brought up. I already punch myself a couple times in the morning when I wake up, just to remind myself to stop caring about the Red Sox at certain points.
9:33- Everyone make a note to themselves (write this down) to never give LT a microphone again. Don’t we have a host for a reason? Rob’s back, we’re all good.
9:37- Video and comedy gold. Riggle’s USA gig was absolutely spot-on. Am I right? No? Come on!
9:41- Sharapova is a lock for best female athlete. You know, if all men voted for this award. Damnit, Brittany! We’re not even sure if she’s a female!?!? (Should I not say that? Noted.)
9:50- The show has officially started- Chris Berman, ladies and gentleman. An ESPN program isn’t right unless Boomer makes an appearance. Dan Levy may have wrote that Berman has lost his touch, but if you’ve read me before, we all know Dan Levy sucks. I mean, really, really, really, really, really sucks.
9:56- I think Drew is out-kicking his coverage with his wife. But then again, he’s an NFL quarterback. Only some of us get it all in a lifetime, only some of us.
9:59- Really disappointed that Trent Richardson is only sporting University of Alabama colors. What about the Browns?! We need all the support we can get, Trent!
10:05- This guy from Community could of hosted along with Riggle. Absolute great job on presenting this award for “Best Game.” So many great games in one year, but Game 6 of the World Series has to win. It has to.
10:08- I’m done predicting. But how did the World Series not win? That was a classic, one of the best games of all time, in any sport. Just the fact of the World Series title being on the line should give the Cardinals the ESPY. And if the Rangers want it too (because they clearly can’t win anything else), then they can have it also.
10:14- Peyton Manning is back! Pat Summit’s story took the wrong turn. But then again, it just makes it so much more memorable. And for the record, I’m totally scared of Pat Summit. Don’t you dare throw me in a gym with her, don’t even think about it.
10:21- I’m also scared of Bob Knight. I think he’s plain scary. A great coach, but also the perfect character for a horror story if a basketball team was involved.
10:23- Pat’s career ended too quickly. It’s that simple. She deserves this award more than anyone. A true legend in the game of basketball, and in all of sports.
10:33- Of course, the most hated college sports team of all time, the Florida Gators, wins the Capital One Cup. Hated mostly because of Tebow and Joakim Noah.
10:35- Love and Griffin did a great job on that, wouldn’t be surprised if that was the truth on Riggle. I’m only kidding, Rob! Lighten up!
10:38- Okay, Sharapova’s got this one. She’s the best looking athlete of all time, most likely. Doesn’t that mean you deserve all the awards? Is there anything else we can ask for?
10:39- Nope. I refuse to believe Stafford has won this award. They’re screwing Sharapova more than the refs screwed the Celtics this postseason! She’s a winner, god damnit! She’s a winner!
10:45- Is it impossible to find a better musician in LA? Whoever this so called “rapper” is, he’s just plain awful. And we need more sporty music. That’s not ESPY material.
10:50- Where are the playoff beards? This is totally unacceptable! How about ESPY beards? Give me something! (Not that I know anything about hockey, but who cares.)
10:54- Fantasy football is wonderful. And if you watch “The League” seeing Andre and Ruxin make an appearance is awesome. I don’t know if it’s sad that I take fantasy football that serious, or that I have a problem. Don’t tell me.
11:02- When is this over? 11:30? We need more Riggle! Riggle for ESPY host of the year!?
11:06- Bubba Watson has tweeted more than 40,000 times. Just thought I’d share that information with you.
11:07- And there it is…Game 162. It’s like getting stabbed in the heart repetitively every time I see those highlights. And for this season, thanks a lot, Bobby V.
11:09- If Tebow wins this award, we’re done right now. Okay, that’s it. We’re done. We are done. I’m officially out. You can write your own diary the rest of the night. We have officially crossed the line.
11:11- Wait, is that Rob! Okay, he’s pulling me back in. It’s against my will after Tebow, but I know you’re asking for it. Let’s finish this thing.
11:16- If there’s one foundation I can truly embrace, it’s the Jimmy V Foundation. A truly remarkable man with a truly inspiring goal. Eric LeGrand, this is to you. A great moment.
11:27- Do you think we could make the ESPY’s into a gambling frenzy? I mean it would make it more interesting, right? The only thing saving me from walking away is the comedy, that’s it. And wait, did I say “gamble?” I meant friendly wager, my bad.
11:31- LeBron (winner of “Best Male Athlete”) just pointed at how his fans have “stuck with him.” Hell, how hard was it to watch the greatest basketball player on the planet as long as you’re not from Cleveland? Couldn’t of been that bad.
11:36- Vince Vaughn. The ESPY’s are completed. Vaughn never gets the kind of focus he deserves. He’s truly a great comedian, who’s been wonderful in a handful of movies.
11:38- The ESPY’s are drawing to a close…Overall, this has been a good time. And with “Best Team”: It’s the Boston Celtics!! Yeah, go Celtics! Wait, no? The Miami Heat? Crap.
11:41- Riggle sends us off…
Thanks for reading my 1st annual running diary of the ESPY’s, looking forward to next year for “The ESPY’s: Running Diary Edition II.” I’m no Rob Riggle, so don’t try to compare (except for the fantasy football part). For the last time, I’m sorry Sharapova, you got screwed. Just deal with it. For everyone here at the Running Diary Office, I’m Corey Rioux, this has been a presentation of PSB.
About the Author
Written by Corey Rioux
A wise man once told me, "Sports are modern-day mythology." I tend to disagree. Proper grammar is optional. You can read my columns here: http://www.prosportsblogging.com/author/c_rioux23/ You can follow me on twitter at: @C_Rioux23 You can contact me via email at: firstname.lastname@example.org