A little wrinkle to the upcoming NBA preview, We’re going to do it mailbag style! Whoohoo! A little note: since these aren’t actual emails from real people, we ‘re going to be answering from well-known celebrities/NBA players. Did I make them up, you’re damn right. Is this a new low for your’s truly, Ya (sobering). But hey, we all got to start somewhere:
We’re still pissed. Do you realize that our team just gave up the best beard in the business to Houston? Houston!! We were going to have a team that included Perry Jones III and James Harden. Now people are pointing out how just because Harden struggled against Miami, we’re better off having Kevin Martin and Jeremy Lamb back. Do you realize that those two guys combined weigh 180 pounds. Combined, they’ve played 6 playoff games. How are we possibly better off? Why!!!
OKC Fans, Oklahoma City
you’re right, you’re not better off. I’m glad you mention it. The spin the Thunder have done is nothing short of remarkable. They’ve painted this picture of them being a mom & pop shop even though they’re the equivalent of the Green Bay Packers in the NBA. They made between 30-35 million dollars in profit last season. They’ve moulded a likable contender since 2010, and the fans have come out ever since they moved from The City That Shall Remain Nameless. Plus they easily could sell the team given where they currently are for 500 million easily. The Warriors went for 400+, and that team hasn’t been relevant since 07!
Now sadly, they’ve painted Harden as this greedy modern athlete. It’s not like he asked for a trade. They gave him a below market value contract and he said no. OKC could have just run the team back, maybe amnesty Perkins and see what happens in the summer. Who knows, maybe JH’s value decreases and he’s more willing to accept a deal less than the max. Either way, I fully support Harden taking the max. Who cares if you’re going to Houston, What makes people so sure he wouldn’t be dangled in a deal right after. You’re telling me if the Wolves called Sam Presti and said “we’ll give you Kevin Love for Serge Ibaka and James Harden,” they wouldn’t at least think about it. What would happen to Harden’s trust in the OKC’s brass and in OKC in general. you want an example. Rajon Rondo, one of the 15 best players in the NBA, signed a 5 yr $55 million deal which looking back now was highway robbery by the Celts. He was being dangled during the condensed training camp last season when Chris Paul was available. He was also being dangled during the 2009 NBA Draft and that hurt Rondo. Do we really expect that Sam Presti, one of the quickest triggered GM’s in the league, wouldn’t do the same with Harden when given a chance? Hell, he did the same thing with Jeff Green 2 yrs ago.
You know that music that’s playing? It’s my music! Guess who’s back, back back again. Morey’s back, tell a friend! You doubted me, now you get the Hand!
Dork Elvis (Darrell Morey), Houston
Noted. But please, spare my wife and kids. No Morey! No!!!!!!
You know who has the best job in the world, Me!! I should have been fired after signing Amir Johnson to a $30 million dollar deal, I let Chris Bosh go and could have gotten Bynum as compensation. I basically dealt Roy Hibbert for Jermaine O’neal’s corpse and got away with it. I whiffed on Ed Davis in 2010. I signed Hedo to a 5 year 50 million+ deal in 2009 even though it would kill my point guard’s ability because Hedo handles the ball so much, and I signed Jason Kapono to the full mid-level exception in 2007. Yet nobody mentions it because this city is such a loser sports wise, our season was considered a success last yr because I basically said I’m tanking. Hey, who the Man?
Brian Colangelo, Toronto
OK, You the man! Before Raptor fans vilify me on the comments section below, I will say that getting Kyle Lowry after whiffing on Steve Nash was a borderline great move, drafting the Lithuanian guy was a nice move, and uhh… I can’t remember another one. I tried. A valiant effort on my part.
Do I even need to coach this team? Nobody will give me credit if we win a title, and if we lose, I’ll probably get fired and Dwight might leave. Besides, the only time I coached the team last yr was when I benched Andrew Bynum for his immaturity. Why can’t I just “fall” down the stairs and tear my ACL? It’s not like anybody is going to miss me.
Mike Brown, L.A.
As a Lakers fan, I hope this happens. I know it terrible, but Mike, I’ve seen you coach, and it ain’t pretty. I watched you coach, and it seemed as if Kobe was actually coaching the team, except the moments when you benched Bynum multiple times. I saw you coach in Cleveland, and I can safely say that you’re the one coach that made me believe I can actually coach an NBA team. By the way, I recently turned 18 and I’ve been on and off towards the NBA, more so on since 2008. I saw you “coach” during the 09 conference finals against the Magic, you allowed the Magic to do what they want. You allowed them to shoot 3′s and you doubled Howard. essentially, you did the exact opposite of what any average NBA fan would have done.
More importantly, the last time we saw a player-coach, it was Dave Cowens in the 78-79 season, wasn’t successful, but that’s not the point. by my count, there’re five coaches that really matter (Popovich, Rivers, Karl (and it pains me to put him here), Adelman, and Thibodeau), decent-good coaches (Casey, Spolestra, Corbin, Brooks, Drew, Gentry, Frank, Collins, and Skiles), and the rest. That’s 14 coaches. Notice how I didn’t put Mike Brown into any of those. Why can’t we have player-coaches in the NBA? I’d rather put the faith of my team in Kobe/Nash/Howard’s hands than Mike Brown.
But hey, I was the guy that didn’t use Wally Szczerbiak’s expiring contract on guys like Carter, Richard Jefferson, Marcus Camby (when he was still good) in the 09 NBA Trade deadline. I have to take some flak for it don’t I?
Danny Ferry, Atlanta
Yes, you basically could have gotten LeBron the second option he desperately needed. The fact that you somehow dealt Joe Johnson for expiring contracts that aren’t terrible basketball players almost makes up for everything from the last 4-5 years. You basically became a cult hero to all 24 Atlanta basketball fans, and you should be commended for that. By the way, I never would have ever though I would use the word commended in a Danny Ferry paragraph ever. The Mayans were right, s***’s about to hit the fan.
You know who controls the faith of your favourite team, Me! Kobe Bean Mamba Bryant! The ceiling/floor for our team is enormous. there’s an equal chance we either win the championship or lose in the second round against a team like Denver or the Spurs. According to you, yes I read your stuff, you said I recently turned into the NBA’s version of Charlie Sheen. I find that disrespectful. I’m trying to create my own zone, The Kobe Zone. Exclusively for members who are nearly universally viewed upon as one of the 10 greatest players in the NBA that turn kind of go off the deep end and say anything they want near the end of their careers. Plus, I can easily say, “I’m going to shoot us to the title because I still think that I’m the Kobe from 2008″, and ruin the whole dynamic of the team. I’m waiting…
Kobe Bryant, L.A.
(Searching for a comeback). Ah here’s one. I like the move, embrace the heel within you Kobe. Tell Steve “F*** you, I’m going to be the offence, I still think I’m 06 Kobe and get any shot I want. Give me the ball. I’m going to take every crunch time shot and all you guys can get the F*** out of my way.” The closest you came was from 04-06 when you were nearly heel, but not really. Embrace it Kobe, hit Dwight with a steel chair, turn on your fans, come out to the NWO theme whenever you are introduced. Do the DX crotch chop. Be the heel!!
(Note: this is going to be the point of the mailbag where I’m not going to promise the quality of content from this point forward will be any good. Glad we cleared that out.)
What ya gonna brother, when LeBronamania runs wild on you!!
LeBron James, Miami
Dear god, we’re screwed!!
Isn’t it weird that because of my inspirational return from throat cancer, everything I did pre-2010 is kind of nullified. Seriously, who in the history of the NBA has had a Mulligan like that put upon them?
George Karl, Denver
That’s true, I don’ think any coach has had that type of Mulligan before. Before I say anything, I would like to say that it really was an inspirational story that George Karl came back and is still coaching the Nuggets today. If there’s one thing I’ll give you, it’s that the 2010 Denver Nuggets were never the same after your absence. One of the great comeback stories in NBA history. Now that that’s out of the way, lets all agree that Karl’s pre-2010 resume as an NBA coach is spotty given his reputation among fans and within the league. This is the same guy that presided with not making the playoffs in 2002 with Milwaukee after having the fourth seed near the all star break. This is the same guy that lost two games in the 09 western conference finals because of botched inbound plays. He also presided with being the first coach to lose to an eight seed ever, and it took him four solid games before he finally put Gary Payton (only the best defensive guard in his era) on MJ in the 96 NBA Finals. But other than that, seems likes a fine resume.
Are my knees made out of fibre-glass or what? I haven’t been able to catch a break in nearly two years, and it’s all because of Melo. I’m going to try to plant drugs on him and reclaim my position as alpha dog on the Knicks.
An Injured Amare Stoudemire, New York
Hey look, I never advocate for violence or anything of that matter, but Mike D’antoni was the guy who ran you rampant for the first months of your Knicks tenure. If there’s anybody who you should be planting drugs on, It’s Mike.
Why doesn’t Amare like me?
Carmelo Anthony, New York
Other than the above statement, probably because you immediately came into his team and somehow quickly became the alpha dog of the Knicks. It may be also due to the fact that the three best players on the Knicks actually can’t play well together at the same time, you really excel as a four, and everybody is hoping that Amare comes off the bench. See where that might get Amare a little testy?
You know who’s coming to Charlotte Bobcat games from now on, me, Ric Flair! Wooo! I’m the dirtiest player in the game and I’m a wheeling and dealing son of a gun! Wooo!
Ric Flair, Wrestling
Woooo! For the record I wish this would happen, it was hilarious when he was introduced in Carolina playoff games in 2009! Woooo!
(Quick Tangent: We rag on athletes for not leaving at the right time of their careers. MJ came back for the Wizards, Brett Favre came back with the Jets/Vikings. You know what Mike Tyson comeback’s are all about, and Vanilla Ice, I don’t even know if he even had a comeback because a comeback implies you came from somewhere. Point is, Flair should have left after his 5-star Wrestlemania XXIV match with HBK. It was basically wrestling porn for hardcore fans. Problem was, We think of it as if that’s the way he should leave. He didn’t, and now that classic against HBK is fading more and more from our memories.)
Why does Mark Cuban hate me?
Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas
Ohh he doesn’t hate you Dirk, he just gave away a title defence in the way of trying to acquire D-12 and D-Will. Need a little advice, if the season starts off poorly, take him for hostage until your knee gets better. Seems like a good distractor, doesn’t it?
Hey man, stop trying to be funny and get to more serious stuff, like whether or not we kill Rudy Gay for not showing up and dominating the likes of Nick Young, a one handed Caron Butler, and Randy Foye (who by the way is about 6-8 inches shorter than him) against the Clippers last season. We’re thinking the all star break, any suggestions?
Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol, Memphis
You haven’t done it yet!
Amir Johnson, Toronto
John Lucas III
Fine fine fine!! Amir Johnson, John Lucas III, Ladies and Gentleman, Your 2012-2013 Toronto Raptors!!! Feel the optimism!!!
All right all right, you’ve had enough fun. You’ve token your shots at people, you pretended that you were actually fun for a while. Now tell us, who’s going to win the title this year, and remember, if you don’t pick our team, we’re going to hunt you down and torture you!
NBA Fans, Everywhere
All right. I thought I could avoid this, and I actually went a pretty good of amount before I had to come to this. It’s LeBron. I know it’s the sexy pick, I know that every expert is going to predict it or the Lakers. Just know that any sub-plot, any juicy storyline dwarfs in comparison to LeBron journey towards immortality. I said it on a previous article It’s his year and it’s his title to lose. If history has taught us anything, with the exception of a few outliers (Shaq, Wilt), a guy with the talent as grand as LeBron will dominate for anywhere for 3-8 years. MJ did it, Magic and Bird did it, Hakeem did it, Shaqobe did from 00-02, Kobe kind of did it from 08-10. Pantheon players who peak during the playoffs return more inspired than ever. If it happens, and I think it will, that means two straight titles and four MVP’s trophies in five years. The last time somebody has ever done it, a name by the way of Bill Russell.
For the first time, I feel myself starting to waver a little. I never watched Jordan save for his last season in Chicago. Maybe Michael Jordan won’t remain the greatest basketball player ever. It’s not like I have many memories to go back to. Maybe we were wrong. That’s why I’m giving LeBron the title, if anything because I selfishly want him to achieve Jordan like greatness. I want to tell my grand-kids “I got to see one of the three greatest players in the history” I can’t say it with Russell and MJ, can’t say it with Kobe. LeBron, maybe.
So that’s what left for Lebron. He already conquered the league, now he’s got to conquer the ghosts of our memories.
About the Author
Written by Mohamed Mohamed
I'm an 18 yr old avid hockey/basketball fan who currently resides in Edmonton Alberta doing pharmacy courses in university. I look forward to writing some wacky columns with a biased but humorous point of view. I look forward to provide NBA content and interacting with fans across. Follow me on twitter @moesquare or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org