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An ode to Brian Colangelo

Posted By Mohamed Mohamed On Nov 4 2012 @ 12:54 am In NBA,Toronto Raptors | No Comments

(Note: As many of you know, I currently live in Edmonton Alberta. Since Canada only has one NBA team, and it’s currently situated in Toronto, Ontario, you could only imagine the amount of Raptor Kool-Aid that’s been dropped down my throat. So when I was allowed to cover the Toronto Raptors as a blogger for this site, initially, I wasn’t too thrilled. But after the recent DeMar DeRozan signing, I’m the luckiest man on the face of this earth. As of right now, I will not promise that this article will have an unbiased opinion. Ahh who am I kidding, none of them do. Glad we cleared that out of the way.)

When the DeMar DeRozan signing was announced, I quickly took a dump, washed my hands/face and quickly did a Chris Bosh like yell in the house screaming “yes, he’s back!!!” For a quick recap: Bryan Colangelo, son of Jerry Colangelo, was brought over to the Raptors in 2006 as GM and President from the Suns. Considering the guy before that, which was Rob Babcock got 5 cents on the dollar from the Vince Carter trade, and that the Suns overnight became this offensive dynamo, Canadians couldn’t have been happier. Fast forward to present day and the announcement of the DeRozan signing, and I couldn’t pass up the chance to draw up a mock press conference/event just after the signing. We take you know to the proceedings:

(Colangelo walking up. Here he is)

Colangelo: Hello everybody. As you know, this is a landmark day in the history of the franchise. We locked up a kid who averaged a PER rating of less than 13 last season to a 4 yr/$40 million deal. I mean there isn’t any denying that this won’t bring us closer to our future goal ,which is having our fans take a class action on our franchise for not representing them in the best possible way. Any ways, the point here is that DeMar is a signature franchise player, you can’t find 2-guards who can’t shoot,pass, dribble at a high level and pay them to a bad contract. Ohh crap, you can. Ohh f***, what did I get myself into. I need a diversion, lets open the floor to questions

Reporter: So Bryan, obviously with this contract, you are believing in DeMar’s ability to be an impact guy for the next four yrs, What made you come to the realization, so close to the extension deadline rather than playing the season out?

Colangelo: As you know, I was force into being patient because of my job security being in a state of flux after Chris Bosh left. You don’t know how many times I saw guys like Rudy Gay, Andre Iguodala, OJ Mayo on the trade market and wanting to pull the trigger. I couldn’t because of the chaos that was the sell of MLSE to Rogers and Bell. With Rogers and Bell now being the owners of the Raptors, I was thinking to myself “Fucking right, I’m finally free” Low and behold, I overpaid for DeMar.

Reporter: So is this a big risk locking up a player who, to quote John Hollinger “scores about the emptiest 20 points you can get on a basketball court?”

Colangelo: Of course, but that’s how I roll. Ask the guys in Phoenix, they know.

Kyle Lowry’s Agent: So we can expect a max contract for my client?

Colangelo: Ohh ya, anybody have a pen?

(everybody laughs)

Colangelo: Wow, that’s all the question you guys have?

Colangelo’s past transactions: We got some!

Colangelo: Shit, What the fuck are you guys doing here.

Transactions: We don’t want DeMar to become one of us!

Colangelo: What do you mean?

(The ghosts of Colangelo’s past individually take the floor. Shhh, here’s Mr. Charisma himself, the man, the myth, the guy who went to a club when he was “sick”, Hedo Turkoglu!)

Hedo: Ball!

(Everyone claps)

Hedo: Ball!

(Hedo left to go to another underground club, Here comes a guy that nobody ever liked in T.O, Jermaine O’neal!)

Jermaine: Thank you, thank you. As you know, when I was traded to Toronto, I was coming off my worst year since I got to Indiana, I never shot over 50% from the field in my career, and more people remember me for my involvement in the Malace in the Palace, so that obviously meant that I was perfect to come to a team that didn’t really need me and past up a potential all star in Roy Hibbert, but again thanks Bryan.

Roy Hibbert (sarcastically): Ya thanks Bryan, it’s not like I turned out to be anything decent.

(Everyone laughs. Roy is now hopping on a plane back to a team that will actually be good this yr, while Jermaine is well… Any ways, ladies and gentleman. you 7 ft Italian forward who sometimes plays like a wuss, Andrea Bargnani!)

Andrea: Hey, lets stop giving this guy heck. I Like Bryan Colangelo, he’s a great GM. He’s the only guy that drafted a guy that New Yorkers derived “over-rated” in the 2006 NBA Draft. But hey it’s not like I never earned it. I haven’t averaged 7 rebounds per game in a season ever, I’ve never averaged a PER rating over 18, and umm… did I mention that I was a first overall draft pick? Any ways, Go Colangelo!

(Now here’s a man that just feuded with Jalen Rose, Sam Mitchell!)

Mitchell: Thank you. As you know, I was voted by the NBA writers to be the best coach in the league in 2007, even though the NBA was on the tail-end of the dramatic talent drought that spanned from 1996-2007, and my 07 team would at best win 34 games in 2012. Plus I beat out Jerry Sloan, who by the way never won an NBA Coach of the Year award, and did I mention that a year and a half later, my players tuned me out after we had our shit handed to us by Denver, and I was canned after having an below .500 record to start the 09 season. Any ways, we’re here to talk about the positives, not the negatives. I can safely say that I’ve never had a boss as uhhh…. Ohh fuck it. You fired me you asswipe. I’m going to kill you.

Colangelo: Guards!!!!!

(Sorry about that, Sam is still pissed about what happened to him, he’s being carried away by security. lets see here, uhhh. Ah, ladies and gentleman, Jason Kapono.


Kapono: What, no love. You guys can go fuck yourselves. No wonder nobody signs in Toronto. I was signed here to be another outside three point shooter even though:

  1.     The team was top 10 in three points attempted, made, and three point percentage.
  2.     I was a liability defensively, and the team sucked defensively the two years I was there
  3.     I haven’t had a good moment in the league if you don’t count the NBA three point competitions I was in.

Yet somehow because of the good grace of this man, I was signed to a full mid-level exception. Not only was I set financially, I was fucking set financially! Thank you Bryan, I love you!

(Jason just went up and gave Colangelo a big wet kiss on the cheek. For the first time, Bryan is really starting to seem nervous. Our next guest is a man who needs no introduction. A guy who somehow has at both times in his career wanted to be on a lottery team, and bettered LeBron in the 2011 NBA finals. The Matrix, Shawn Marion!)

Marion: What the hell am I’m doing here? (His agent is whispering to him.) Ohh, go Colangelo!

(Marion and Colangelo both seemed to be confused as to what just happened. Any ways, here’s the man of the hour. The guy who was just inked to a shitty contract, DeMar DeRozan!)

(Everybody is still apoplectic and is lukewarm as DeMar arrives!)

DeMar: Ohh, tough crowd. Big Thanks to Bryan for hooking me up with a contract extension that I would dream of getting in the offseason. I can’t tell you the shock that came with getting this extension. My agent was telling me that if we were lucky, we’d see 80% of the contract that I was offered here, But that’s why Bryan isn’t like most GM’s. Because I said that I liked to be here in Toronto, that basically sealed the deal and got me an extra 5-7 million on the contract. The truth is, I really don’t give a shit about Toronto, but for 40 million, I can sure like Toronto a whole lot more.

Any ways, this isn’t about me, it’s about celebrating the genius of B.C. Because of guys like him, we had a lockout because the middle class was being overpaid. The generosity, the blindness to the fact that I’ve regressed in my efficiency, and that I really don’t do much on the basketball court beside slashing to the rim and dunking. I still can’t defend an actual 2-guard, I don’t pass, I don’t rebound, and my jump shot sucks. But Bryan didn’t care, and neither should you. So a toast is in order to Bryan Colangelo. Bryan, here’s hoping that another guy will join the Bryan Colangelo “I’ll overpay/trade for you, don’t even ask” club. Here here!

[Cut to the crowd … crickets.]







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