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Mailbag Part 1

Posted By Mohamed Mohamed On Nov 9 2012 @ 11:59 pm In NBA | No Comments

You know the deal. I fake emails from celebrities, you feign interest, and I lose a little self esteem as a result. A shorter mailbag today on account of lack of prep. My bad, so as a result of that, we’re going to extend this to a two parter in part to save my ass. Before we start the proceedings, as a Lakers fan, I feel that a moment of silence should be in order to the Mike Brown Era. Ohh what an era that was. It was a simpler time; full of looks of confusion, lack of in-game adjustments, anaemic offensive sets, and no charisma. He was the kind of guy who meant good things, was a nice guy, and a hard worker. Sadly, Mike was the guy who thought that a read and react offence was  a smart decision when he had one of the smartest offensive point guards in NBA history. He thought that playing Dwight in the high post when he’s been turnover prone for the longest time was savvy. But hey, this is not a time of bashing, this is a time of acceptance and memories. So long live the Mike Brown Era. May we never live through it again. Amen!

Do I really want to come back? One visit with my girlfriend and now everyone assumes that I’ll comeback to the team. I’ve dealt with Kobe already, I’ve already dealt with Ron and Pau. I beat Dwight and Steve in the playoffs two years in a row 2009-2010. Hell, I even grew a moustache so people within the Lakers wouldn’t notice me. Why should I comeback?

Phil Jackson, No Location

There’s no upside towards coming back to the Lakers . In fact, it would almost enhance your legacy if you either coach for another team and lead them to a title or just walk away. Let’s tackle this a little bit. I’ll even do the Hubie Brown second person shtick, just for you. OK, so you’re Phil Jackson. You’ve accomplished everything that there’s to in the NBA. You’ve won 11 titles. You’ve dealt with two of the tree most difficult superstars in the history of the NBA: Jordan and Kobe. You’ve dealt with more uneasy situation then one would realize including: The Jordan Rules fiasco in 1992, MJ’s departure in 1994-95, Dennis Rodman from 1996-1998 specifically in 1998 when his partying went out of control, Kobe and Shaq, the 2004 Lakers, Kobe in his gunner phase 2004-2007, Kobe pushing for a trade. Hell, you even dating Jerry Buss’s daughter. Seriously. What do you have left on your check-list. You’ve done the MJ experience, you’ve done the Kobe experience. You want to do the Kobe route again?

Please Moe, you’ve got to help me here. I’m getting crucified by Raptor bloggers everywhere. They say that I can’t shoot, dribble, defend, even make layups. They’re saying that I’m morbidly overpaid, and that I might become their whipping boy soon. My agent and I had to throw out the old “visiting the hand specialist” news just so people will give me some sympathy.  What do I do?

Landry Fields, Toronto

To all Toronto Raptor fans, I say the following with as much love and care as possible. Umm. If I were you Landry, I would play up the whole “seeing a hand specialist” as much as possible. I would even go further and say that you have a cracked bone in your hand, and that’s restricting the motion and feeling within your hand. I’m saying this Landry because those are pretty vicious when the pickings is right. Do you remember what they did to Charlie V. They still don’t like Bargnani even though he’s their first overall pick in 06. Lowry is out with an ankle injury, and he’s their favourite player. It’s not looking good for you. If all else fails, uhh, how would feel about the idea of becoming a colour commentator. You seem like a nice guy. Try that out.

Why do people criticize the way I play. Don’t people realize the picture that I’m trying to put forth. The artist that I’m becoming. It’s hard to be totally apathetic towards passing, rebounding, defence, grooming, hygiene. Why can’t all people like me be recognized for the player that they are. Fuck it, I am Nick Young, I am the voice of the voiceless and I’m the best in the world at what I do!!!

Nick Young, Philadelphia

OK Nick, whatever you say.

By the way, along with this weekly mailbag, we might just do a game called “spot the WWE reference”. I don’t know, winner gets to go on a date with me.

Thinking…. Nah, why would I subject you to that much horror and grief.

I’m not really coming back to Toronto. Hell I don’t want to be associated with Toronto. I just might have the shittiest agent/PR guys in the business. Think about it, really what are the chances that I get my jersey honoured in some way by the Toronto Raptors?

Vince Carter, Dallas

I’m glad you bring this up Wince, because as a former Raptors supporter, this topic has to be brought up. Are Raptor fans suddenly taking up the hobby of smoking crack and we don’t know it? Let’s review his resume.

  1. Went to his graduation on the day of the most important game in franchise history and missed the game winning shot at the buzzer
  2. Was granted a 94 million dollar full guaranteed contract, a contract that basically allowed him to become a wuss overnight.
  3. Year by year, he began to drive to the basket less and less on account of being the softest superstar in NBA history
  4. Hated freezing Canada. (OK, I might have made that part up)
  5. Admittedly did not try for the last few weeks which killed his trade value and resulted in one of the worst trades ever
  6. from 2002-2004, he played in 176 of 246 games (72%).

I think you could do the math. Now to the people that will get on my ass and say he put Toronto on the map. I’ll give you that. His performance in the 2000 Slam Dunk contest was memorable. his duel with Iverson in the 01 playoffs was magical. I get that. The guy admitted to not trying his hardest during his last days in T.O. Isn’t that your job as a professional athlete. To be in shape and try your hardest? Hell, for the all the crap that Kobe gets, Not trying his hardest ins’t one of them. So please, Raptor fans, get some help. See a shrink. The words Vince Carter and honour shouldn’t be within the same border of each other.

Why does TNT always have to stick me with a reporter that gives me shitty questions? Don’t they ever learn. Didn’t they see that “epic” four word interview me and Sager had. Why do they even bother? I’m trying to win a fifth championship. Fuck!!

Greg Popovich, San Antonio

I’d say something, but I’m afraid that I might be on Popovich’s hit list if I try to say something about him. I’ll just leave it as is. It’s weak but whatever. What do you want from me. It’s Friday!

Does anybody notice that I’m having the all time “eff you because you didn’t pay me contract” year. Ya I’m still not shooting well, but I’m averaging over 10 assists per game and a PER rating of over 24. Why isn’t anybody noticing?

Brandon Jennings, Milwaukee


(Frantically googling)

It’s true. Everything is true, and considering that the second best player on your team is averaging an 11 PER rating, and I can’t even name four other players on your team, you should be getting more attention, but you’re not, so I guess you’ll have to settle for this as an alternative. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

You suck by the way, did I ever not mention this to you. Because you picked us to be a fantastically deep, exciting team. the exact opposite happened. I just want to let you know that you can go to hell!

Denver Fans, Denver

Count me in, you asshole!

Antwan Jamison, L.A.

Hey, that’s harsh!

Isn’t the world just fantastic? Not only do I have the best team in the NBA. Not only do I have a team so complementary to what I do, I could get a triple double in my sleep. I’m in heaven right now. 

LeBron James, Miami

this is depressing, we need a pick me up here. How about this:


Actually, we’re going to have to end the mailbag right there. Sorry to guys such as Andrew Bynum, Mike D’antoni, Bryan Colangelo and more, trust me, you’ll get on next week (assuming I’m even going to this again).  


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