Welcome to the 21st ESPY’s. As well as my second annual running diary of the “Award Show for Sports.” This year’s host is Jon Hamm, he’s not Don Draper, just Jon Hamm. I know, a little disappointing.
But because I’m running late, let’s get to it:
(All times Eastern Standard time.)
9:00- The ESPY’s always begin with the opening “Year in Sports” monologue, but somehow LeBron James has won two awards before that. I quit already. Get me out of here. Before the show even started!? Are you kidding me? (Go Spurs.)
9:00- Before we get started, I’d like to mention how much I love this award show. It’s freakin’ awesome. And tonight, we have Jon Hamm. Even better. Can he live up to Rob Riggle? Of course he can, he’s Don Draper!
9:01- Let the monologue begin. I’m getting goosebumps.
9:03- Boston Strong. All the thanks in the world to Boston PD and first responders. New England is the greatest part of this country, and Boston is it’s finest city.
9:05- When the Heat are mentioned tonight, I just won’t type. I hate them.
9:06- It’s a Jon Hamm sighting! I’m too excited.
9:07- Jon Hamm just slammed you Ray Allen! Take that you traitor! (On a side note, he said this year was the 20th Anniversary of the ESPY’s…wasn’t that last year? Whatever.)
9:08- Dwight Howard, you just got served. My take on Howard? He’s not a winner, and he never will be. He doesn’t know what he wants, and he can’t live up to the hype. It’s really a shame that he lacks the intelligence for wise career moves.
9:13- Te’o just took a hit. That joke was tough to deliver, but I liked it. Let me go post that on my match.com profile.
9:16- Ladies and gentlemen, let the awards begin. I can’t decide who should win for “Best Breakthrough Athlete,” but it’s gotta be Kaepernick, right? I mean, he played in the Super Bowl. Just don’t let Johnny Football win, we don’t need him partying too hard.
9:18- Well, I’m one-for-one. I really should be gambling on this. Wait, that’s a terrible idea! Yeah, because gambling ever destroyed someone’s life…
9:20- Did I just hear that Ben Affleck is in the building?! Screw Jon Hamm, hand the reigns over. If we just had an Affleck movie marathon instead I wouldn’t be upset. Just leave out Gigli.
9:25- Whoever decides the musical entertainment for the night needs to be fired. Right now. For the two years I’ve been doing this diary, the music has been horrific.
9:27- Welcome back to the ESPY’s, Maria Sharapova. Last year you got screwed out of an ESPY, but their just jealous about how stunning you are. You keep doing your thing. I really don’t care if you win or not.
9:28- Multiple players deserve this award for “Best Comeback Athlete,” but Adrian Peterson has it wrapped up. Had Peyton won the Super Bowl, it would be a different story.
9:29- Boom! Two-for-two. Take that Kevin Bacon!
9:33- “Saturday Night Live” makes an appearance. This is classic. I love the Jay-Z impression. I’m actually in favor of him being a sports agent, blurs the lines of sports and pop culture even further. And who doesn’t love that? Not Bill Simmons.
9:37- Hmmm, “Best Game” could be the Ravens-Broncos playoff game, but do I think it has to be the Bruins Game 7 comeback victory? Yeah, it does, that was one hell of a game. But wait, it’s obviously going to be Game 6 of the NBA Finals, that’s my pick. That game was just exhilarating. I’m still in shock. Please help me.
9:40- Yup, there it is. I’m three-for-three, baby. But don’t let Ray Allen speak. Damnit! Get outta here, Ray! You disgust me. Along with the rest of that Miami Heat team. You too, Spoelstra.
9:45- While we’re in commercial break I’ll be truthful and admit that I haven’t watched Mad Men, but it’s on my list of shows to watch. I’m sorry, Jon. I just had to let you know.
9:47- Could I go four-for-four? For “Best Record Breaking Performance,” my pick is: Michael Phelps. I want to go with Calvin Johnson, but does that outweigh the Olympics?
9:49- …and I got it. Four-for-four. I really should be gambling on this.
9:51- Put your seatbelts on. This Key & Peele skit is going to be hilarious.
9:54- And it was. Genius.
10:00- Yes, Michelle Obama! If my memory serves right, she did the same thing last year. Always a pleasure.
10:01- I wish Robin Roberts all the best. She deserves this and is a proud colleague of everyone who works for ESPN. Congratulations, Robin. Take this award and run with it.
10:03- Okay, Tom Cruise is narrating, it’s ruined. No I will not see Jack Reacher again, Tom. It was terrible. Borderline torture. Almost worst than scientology…almost.
10:12- What a touching tribute. Go get ‘em, Robin. “It’s not so much what we accomplish at the end of the day, it’s what we overcome, that we remember the most.”- Robin Roberts
10:19- Speaking of Jimmy V, if you can, please consider a donation to the Jimmy V Foundation. It can save someone’s life, and it means a lot to all of us in the sports community.www.jimmyv.org
10:25- Jon Hamm is back, so don’t worry, we’re all set. Oh man, making fun of the replacement refs, this is good. Hamm for ESPY Host of the Year!? (Did I use that joke last year? You’re damn right I did.)
10:30- If you don’t like Jason Sudeikis, we’re not friends. “Best Female Athlete” will most likely land in the hands of Ms. Douglas from that famous US Women’s Olympic team.
10:33- Damn. I missed one. Well, that’s a bummer. Really takes the fun out of it. I’m starting the “Gabby Douglas got screwed” campaign.
10:35- Let me take this time to express how upset I am how the Red Sox, Celtics, and Browns are not being represented in LA. Those are my teams! I write this running diary and I can’t even get rewarded! I’m not asking for them to win, just have a nomination.
10:36- Also, while we have the time, let’s talk about TV. I hope you’re all preparing for the end of the greatest TV drama of all time, Breaking Bad, to come to a close. It’s quite the bittersweet moment. But I’m way too excited for August 11th. How will it end? Oh, the possibilities. And if you’re not watching The Newsroom because of the horrible reviews, that’s crazy. It’s television’s most underrated drama. Just enough news, just enough love stories, and just enough Jeff Daniels. Oh, and don’t forget Aaron Sorkin.
10:41- Bill Hader is killing it with the Putin impression. Great move by ESPN by involving SNL.
10:45- So here’s the problem with “Best Moment,” it could really go to any of these nominees. Whether it’s Alex Morgan’s good looks, Pagano’s inspiring Colts, Murray’s victory in England, or the marvelous little kid in Nebraska, they all have something.
10:48- What a great moment for that little boy. I couldn’t type anything coherent to sum up this moment. Thanks to those who care for children. You can’t be appreciated enough.
10:50- BOOMER! BOOMER! BOOMER!
10:51- Chris Berman does it so well. To those who we’ve lost in sports, this one’s for you. You’ve been missed.
10:57- Perfect man to present an award…it’s Bill Hader again! So who will win “Best Upset?” FGCU?
11:00- Yes! I live in the Sunshine State, and, well, I didn’t know FGCU had a basketball team before March. Hats off to them. But they’re coach left for USC? I think we jumped the gun a little early on his ability.
11:03- Haha, Don Cheadle and Danica Patrick, a very odd duo. One’s a borderline redneck and one’s Don Cheadle.
11:04- We all know “Best Male Athlete,” is headed to the unmentioned one. Screw you, King James. I still hate you and the Heat.
11:06- Has LeBron’s head gotten bigger? Let’s test him for PED’s right now! On the stage! In front of Danica Patrick! Okay, I’m kidding, I just despise him. Even if he makes jokes.
11:13- Stuart Scott is here. And so is Ben Affleck, presenting the Jimmy V award. Best part of the night.
11:18- Let the Hoyt’s message be a stand for courage and perseverance. I’m tearing up and I don’t care. That was Boston, but this is America. For one nation, two individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. A moment for the history books. “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”- Jimmy Valvano
11:22- These two men are America’s Best Team. Without them, who are we? #TeamHoyt
11:29- I feel terrible that Gabby Douglas has to present alongside the arrogance of Puig. But hey, he can hit a baseball. “Best Play” will probably be given to Benedict Arnold, I mean Ray Allen.
11:31- That’s a BS winner. Some games were actually decided in the nominations, not just a highlight play from Clowney.
11:32- Is it me or have we not seen enough Jon Hamm tonight? Last year, Riggle killed it on stage, this is a mediocre at best performance.
11:33- And why didn’t we have a reference to The Town with Hamm and Affleck on stage together? Poor organizational efforts, guys. Affleck could of robbed LeBron (a human bank), Hamm could of failed at arresting him, and then Affleck moves to Florida. Wait, isn’t that how the movie goes? Spoiler alert.
11:38- Diddy is half in the bag already, somebody make him shutup. How is he presenting “Best Team?”
11:39- Ladies and gentlemen, the ESPY for “Best Team” goes to the Cleveland Browns!! Yeah, go Browns! Wait, no? The Miami Heat again? Say it ain’t so.
11:42- Get the hell off the stage, Ray Allen. You listen to me.
11:43- An excited Jon Hamm sends us off…
Thanks for reading my second annual running diary of the ESPY’s, looking forward to next year for “The ESPY’s: Running Diary Edition III.” I’m no Jon Hamm, but I always give it my best. For the last time, I freakin’ hate the Heat. Why do they have to win everything? It’s just not fair. For everyone here at the Running Diary Office, I’m Corey Rioux, this has been a presentation of PSB.
About the Author
Written by Corey Rioux
A wise man once told me, "Sports are modern-day mythology." I tend to disagree. Proper grammar is optional. You can read my columns here: http://www.prosportsblogging.com/author/c_rioux23/ You can follow me on twitter at: @CoreyRioux You can contact me via email at: firstname.lastname@example.org