The following opinion is mine and mine only, and does not reflect the views that is expressed on Pro Sports Blogging. Actually, it might be. I’m just trying to cover for my ass just in case the “Keyboard Warriors” get on my behind and fuck over my email!

To really understand the genius of Inside the NBA is something that regular people like you and me will never have. The closest thing we have is Bill Simmons’s two day tour of Inside the NBA in 2002. As a fan of Inside the NBA, What Shaq has done to the studio show isn’t uncommon. Sure, as one of the most gregarious superstars in the history of the NBA, it seemed like a slam dunk that Shaq would fit in and at the very least pull a Magic Johnson circa 2008, where he would just smile and laugh. While he’s performed that point admirably, the rest of the Shaq experience has is really lacking. (Look at me, I feel as if I’m one of those guys at IGN who’s review video games. I love it).

Let me first start off by saying that I love Shaq. I do. He was our generation’s Wilt. Maybe not when it came to the whole Sexual preference, but he was dominant in ways that human being shouldn’t. His run with Kobe in the 01 Playoffs remains the most dominant Playoff run since the 99 Spurs (who by the way won the title that year. I say this because I’m trying to forget that year happened). He was charming, He marketed the game well for the NBA. His beef with Kobe from 2002-2008 was the best thing that happened to the NBA during that time (which says a lot about the talent that was in the league at that point). He was even funny when it came to one liners and jokes during his whole career, especially when it came to his beef with the Sacramento Kings, or as he calls it the “Sacramento Queens”.

And with all that said, he is the worst studio analyst I’ve ever seen, heard, watched, whatever verb you want to put in the equation, he’s that. It goes much further than the monotone voice that he has (which by the way, if there’s one thing I’ll defend Shaq on, it’s his voice and the understanding of his words. I can understand him fine, get your head out of your asses and actually use your ears fuck). It’s that he has no reputable basketball opinion in his repotoire. Let me put it to you this way, he has the same basketball level of intelligence that a guy who rarely watches basketball, and he has no problem diminishing people who aren’t in his level (see Rose, Jalen). That’s fine, if you weren’t being paid to give your opinion, which by the way he is. You know you need help when Chris Webber (the guy that really should be at Shaq’s seat) has to sit with him creating a five man panel. It’s better, but come on, it’s a bit too crowded even for my taste.

Where I’m coming from as a fan is something that has to be mentioned. I love Inside the NBA. I absolutely adore Kenny, EJ, Chuck, Underdog, and everyone else who works at TNT. They give me something that nobody else has. ESPN can’t match it, because you know ESPN has this unwritten code that diminishes any fun on their network. Their studio show is crap. It just is, and it pains me to say it because Bill Simmons is my favourite writer and my inspiration when it came to writing online. Inside the NBA was a remedy to crap halftime shows. Their banter is fresh, it’s real, it isn’t scripted, and hell, they actually have fun, and in a society that mundane any sort of charisma and personality, TNT spat at that notion.

I currently go to University in Edmonton, and I don’t know anyone there. I’m basically a loner and watching classic Inside the NBA skits always made me laugh and smile. I remember coming from a Chem class and I was just bored out of my head. I searched up some classic skits and truthfully, I didn’t move for the next 2 hours. You know you’re great when you have 2 hours work of gold just sitting their to watch. To be fair, I’m painting them as strictly this nonsensical comedy skit, the guys knowledge is something that maybe only Bill Simmons can rival. Guys like C-Webb, Chuck, Kenny know their stuff because they were part of legitimate NBA teams that were championship calibre. Chuck and C-Webb were stars and carry a lot of weight in terms of being the main guys on great teams. And EJ is the best studio host on television right now. You don’t believe me, just watch the NFL on Fox broadcast and see how Curt Menafee and see how shit he is.

Just in case you were wondering, I do have a point of all of this, Shaq is awful. He just is. Like I said before, he has no objective opinion whatsoever. The height of it is his hatred of Dwight Howard. I get that he stole Shaq’s superman gimmick. Hell, I’ll even allow him to have the beef towards Dwight. When you’re telling me that you can’t choose who the best big man in the NBA because it depends on “what kick I’m in” I’m sorry, but you’ve failed when it came to bestowing knowledge on my TV set. His choice of Andrew Bynum over Dwight Howard is downright juvenile and not just stupid considering Bynum might not even be ready to play this season. He talks about Dwight Howard being this “European pick and pop player” and mocks him for not being a low post scorer when

1. Dwight is the best pick and roll big man in the NBA
2. He can’t make a free throw, why are you saying that he is a pick and pop player when he can’t make a jumper to save his life
3. he’s the best defensive big man/rebounding big man in the NBA, yet Shaq discredits that all together because as Shaq said “I wasn’t a great rebounder, I don’t want to hear any of that”
4. His best excuse, apparently because Shaq was in the second Dream Team and was held accountable for whatever he did, Dwight has to be held accountable for not being at the level that Shaq was. Huh!!!

Look, TNT, do a fan a solid and fire Shaq, or hell switch C-Webb and Shaq and let C-Webb join the Inside the NBA crew and Shaq joins EJ and Greg Anthony (a tool)  on the Fan Night telecast. Just do it quick before the show goes to ruins and my University life turn shittier by the day.

You’re still reading, well than. If you haven’t had the chance, check out part 1 of the two part search for a team to root for.

If you’re interested in finding a team for yourself (and if you are, this might not be the most educated column you’ll ever read, as part 1 would show), I broke down the rest of the selection.

In reverse order…

5. West Bromwich Albion:

In a Nutshell: Have been the surprise story of the current season, currently tied for 4th in the league, and the fourth spot qualifies for the Champions League. Have had point in 4 out of their last six games, so their in prime form currently. They’ve been lauded for playing an attractive type of football, which for me is a real bonus considering I want to be entertained for the amount of money I’m paying for cable. Their current coach Steve Clark apparently doesn’t show emotion all the time, which I like, and their current roster includes goalie Ben Foster who was part of England’s failing qualification of Euro 2008 so it’s got to mean something.

One reason to root for them:

A guy who actually knows how to coach, how refreshing.

Their coach, who from the multiple articles I’ve read seems like a coach who isn’t a over-controlling dick like some other coaches (cough cough Alex McLeish, Carlos Quieroz), he seems confident (although most coaches in the premier league are confident), and he actually knows what he’s doing. God, if the NBA teams used that criteria (a criteria that took about 2 minutes to make) to find teams, the league would be in a good place.

One reason not to pick them:Of their current roster, there is no one that the average fan, like me could identify. That doesn’t mean that its a recipe for disaster, and from the form they’ve shown it’s far from it, I would like to at least identify myself with one player. I know it vain and short-sighted, but fuck it, write your own article if you want.

4. Newcastle United:

In a nutshell: One of the oldest franchises in England, They’ve housed one of the most famous manager in Sir Bobby Robsen (UEFA cup winner with Ipswich in 1981, FA cup winner in 1978 ), one of the most recognizable English players in Alan Shearer, one of the more disgraceful moments in EPL history (more on this in a bit) and are currently embarking on improving on their surprise 5th place finish in the EPL last season.

One reason to pick them: Their rivalry list includes Sunderland, Liverpool (on account of the whole Andy Carroll signing), Tottenham and Man U. Now that my friends is a rival list I can be proud of.

One reason not to pick them: During a 2005 game, two Newcastle teammates famously got into a fistfight during a game and both got red-carded. I’m not kidding. They actually both got into a legitimate fight. By the way, the team finished 3rd and 5th in the two seasons before 2004-2005. You where Newcastle finished in 05, 14th.  Now THAT, my friends, is a dysfunctional franchise. Here’s the YouTube clip if you don’t believe me.

3. Aston Villa: 

In a nutshell: Villa Park, the grounds that Aston Villa currently play, was opened in 1897. That’s over 115 years of puke and crap that’s been merged in Villa Park. You want a word that describes Villa’s history, lets go with unpredictable. At one point in their existence, They were relegated to third tier football in England. They won the 82 European Cup Final (now called the UEFA Champions League), the 81 league tittle, the 82 UEFA Super Cup (don’t ask me what the significance of this trophy was) yet somehow was relegated in 1987. A founding member of the Premier League, unpredictability has clouded the club. The highs: 2 League Cups, finishing 2nd the Premier League in the inaugural season in 1992-1993.  The lows: the Alex McLeish era, enough said

The Alex McLeish era.... Ya!

One reason to pick them: From everything I read, including twitter, columns, podcasts etc… This Alex Mcleish guy was just shit. Now he’s gone, so it has to be better right?

One reason not to pick them: I’m sorry, but I can’t  support a club that might get relegated. it’s superficial, but I am competitive, contrary to everything that’s been said about me (actually, nothing been said about me, nobody even knows about this two parter EPL search).

2. Arsenal: 

In a nutshell: On paper, this should be the team. Esteemed history. They’ve done the Double three times (if you don’t know, The Double in England at least consists of winning 2 out of the three major championship tournaments in England/Europe. For now, it’s the FA Cup, Premier League, and the Champions League), their most recent championship came in 2004 when they went undefeated during the season!! Under their current coach Arsene Wenger, the team is known for playing an attacking style of play which to some extent has decreased. The team has housed legendary players in Henry, Bergkamp, Fabregas, Vierra and more. In recent years, the team has been criticized for being more of a profit club side than spend big cash and challenge for titles.

One reason to pick them: Their nickname is the gunners, which I find splendid. Considering the style of play they incorporated from 1996-current, it just fits in splendidly. Plus they had a goalie by the name of David Seaman. Come on, like you don’t find that amusing. Don’t shake your head.

One reason not to pick them: While the team has to some extent declined into a “selling club”, They’re bandwagon is still considerably high. Plus this seemed like it was the perfect club to support, which made me not want to pick them. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it counts as a strike.

1. Liverpool: 

He might not be the Steven Gerrard of 2005-06, but it's good enough for me.

In a nutshell: Not the greatest fit considering that this guy named Luis Suarez, while an exceptional talent, had a racial abuse incident with one Patrice Evra. That being said, it’s one of the most recognizable clubs with great history, great uniforms (serious, who can go wrong with it, it’s blood-red) one of the greatest English players in history (Steven Gerrard), staged one of the greatest comebacks in the history of the Champions League coming back  from a 3-0 deficit in the second half to win the Champions League against AC Milan. On the other hand, the team has declined from their Big four perch in the last couple of years in part because of shitty ownership (although that’s improved recently with the purchasing of the club by the owners of the Boston Red Sox), and not having the greatest of managers (see Dalglish, Kenny). Did I mention that Steven Gerrard is on the team? I think I did.

One reason to pick them: They have this guy named Jay Spearing (who currently is on loan to Bolton) who suffers from the Greg Oden syndrome and legitimately looks like he’s at least 52, maybe 53. Ohh by the way, he’s 23 yrs old.

One reason not to pick them: That Luis Suarez guy seems like a bad apple, OK, he’s a dick! Plus along with Arsenal, it seems like it was the perfect club to root for, so it took some talking through before I eventually gave in.

Bonus reason to pick them: Following Steven Gerrard, who’s been in some sort of a decline in the last few years, would be awesome. His performance in the 05 Champions League Final and the 06 FA Cup Final were as clutch as you can get.

So there you have it, after over 3000 words, YouTube clips, columns, Wikipedia and more, Liverpool have emerged as the winner in the annual “Canadian guy trying to follow a European sport” contest. I have to say, it was a blast finding a team that will be in my conscious every Saturday/Sunday morning for the future. No longer can I say that I’m an atheist of a beautiful game. Now I can proclaim “I am a Liverpool supporter!”

Now, to stomach Luis Suarez on a consistent basis. That’ll be the hard part.

Ohh Well.

The hunt for the one!

Finding the right EPL club is like a lot of things in life. It takes hard work, a little bit of humour, and more work. After being totally apathetic towards the game of soccer (sorry, I don’t want to piss off Europeans, let’s call it football), just like the NHL did, slowly and slowly they brought me back into the fold. It helps that I actually for the most part now know some things about the game of soccer. Like the NHL, it hasn’t been overruled by advance metrics. Like the NHL, coaches (again sorry, managers) matter. Unless the team is a modern reincarnation of the early 2000′s Real Madrid side (and even then, they underachieved), chemistry matters, and most importantly,  the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed Euro 2008 (year of upsets), 2010 World Cup (crappy quality, but drama filled. Just ask Ghana), Euro 2012 (best tournament in terms of quality of play since the 1998 World Cup), semifinals and finals of the 2012 Champions League (the end of Barcelona’s march to the Mount Rushmore of club sides. At least for now) made me finally say “why not, let me pick an EPL club to support.” It also helps that Manchester United’s 3-2 comeback win over Aston Villa  spearheaded by a hat trick by a guy name Javier Hernandez sealed the deal. (By the way, his nickname is  Chicharito, which apparently means “little pea” in English. I somehow find that amusing, don’t ask me why!) 

Why the EPL you might ask, well here’s the thing.  Again, being a intermediate soccer fan, I can’t name you 20 players from either Seria A, La Liga, and the German League. Plus, I’m not paying for soccer packages considering that I’m a university student with student loans and shit like that, so the  EPL was the only league that I can kind of follow well, and hopefully become fully immersed in due time. Plus, and this goes for every major European league out there, I love the crowds. It’s amazing the amount of energy that fans spend during a 90 minute game. contrast that to an average NBA/NHL game. Remember when the Miami heat fans were dressed in white almost like tennis players who play in Wimbledon. Every NHL teams now basically steal Roger Nielson “white flag” trick and waves them during playoff games even though it’s an embarrassment when franchises such as Florida, Phoenix who have 35 fans combined suddenly come up and try that. It’s one thing when franchises such as Montreal, Boston, and New York do it, it’s another thing when shitty franchises try to pull that trick.

While the disparity between the great sides and the good/average/poor sides has never ever been as wide, just the drama of three teams being relegated to the second division just can’t be duplicated. Can you imagine if the NBA did this,, and basically said, “the three worst records in the NBA will go down to the D-League, and if we have a tie for 26th and 27th, we have a play-in game.” How awesome would that be. That would basically kill the Charlotte Bobcats creating a dispersal draft for players such as Michael Kidd-Gilcrhist, BJ Mullins, Ben Gordon etc…

I kept a couple of goals in mind during the process:

1. Do not go into a team that has a humongous bandwagon. I don’t want to be the losers who suddenly cheer for teams such as Manchester United, Chelsea etc.. Just because they spend globs of cash.
2. Don’t pick a tortured club, doing that already with the Leafs, don’t want to add two to the menu
3. If I can, pick a team that will either be on TSN2, Sportsnet enough times.
4. Pick a team that at the very least won’t be relegated to the second division

Currently there are 20 EPL leagues. (A perfect amount by the way. The NBA should probably reduce the league by about 3-4 team. The NHL as well, but that’s another story for another day). Here’s the one’s who didn’t make the cut for the top 8:

While tempting, I ultimately passed.

Manchester United: The New York Yankees of the EPL, although their rivals in City are giving them a run for their money. Have won the most Premier League championships in history. One of their signature wins was a comeback victory against Bayern Munich in the 1999 Champions League final. Their best player, Wayne Rooney, had a hair transplant and regained his hairline.  The most obnoxious fan base by far in the world.  The best EPL team currently in the league, and if you get the chance, go on twitter and see their fans just poop themselves whenever they win. Their youth academy is second to none, and in some ways, are like a European dream team. Plus, what does it say that an 18 yr old Canadian suddenly became a Man U fan? Actually, that’s going to happen either way with one of the remaining 19 clubs.

Manchester City: Just remember that they spend gobs of money, became this mutant version of the LA Clippers where they just outspend everybody. They’re coach wears a different scarf for every game, and it’s a circus wherever they go. Intriguing, but I’ll pass.

Is that John Arne Arise or James Sharman? I can't tell

Fulham: On the bright side, They’ve got a guy named John Arne Arise who looks eerily similar to theScore’s James Sharman. Their only celebrity fan I’ve ever heard of is American’s own Hugh Grant. They’re another club currently owned by a Arab (Mohamed Al Fayed), and uhh…

Southampton: As recently as 2009, Southampton were relegated to third division English soccer although now have played themselves back up to the big league. Their nickname is the “Saints” on account of being a church football team way back in the late 1800′s. According to Wikipedia, it is a UEFA 4-tar rated stadium, so you know its legit. I already follow one crappy club already, let’s not make it tow.

Chelsea: As much as I want to follow a club who’s owner is the Russian version of Mark Cuban, they follow under the whole bandwagon club thing. Plus, their captain? John Terry. Only the guy who banged a former teammate’s girlfriend. Ohh it gets better. He was charged with racially abusing Anton Ferdinand during a Chelsea QPR match in 2011. The damages you might ask? his English coach Fabio Capello quit as manager of England. He retired from international football, and now has become the whipping boy (deservedly so) for racial abuse during games. It’s one thing to follow a team who just suck (see, Leafs), it’s another to be a fan of a team with this twat on it.

QPR: See answer from Southampton

Stoke City: I have one question, would you ever play with Stoke City on FIFA 13? Can you name 5 players from Stoke? Didn’t think so.

Sunderland: According to Wikipedia, the club has major supporters from countries such as Australia, USA, Cambodia, and Canada. On a related note, some of their celebrity fans include Heather Mills (Paul McCartney’s  ex) and Sugar Ray Leonard. Uhh…

Reading: Their nickname is The Royals which I kind of dig, recently promoted to the Premier League. True story, in the 2012 League Cup (don’t ask me what this tournament is), Reading somehow lost 7-5 after holding a 4-0 lead near the end of the first half! I don’t know why I brought this up, I kind of just felt like it.

Now to the three who just missed the cut. The next three did warrant extra consideration, but ultimately didn’t make the cut.

Swansea City: The only Wales based club in the division, surprisingly finished 11th in the Premier League on their first season in the league. A Canadian by the name of Jonathan De Guzman plays for the team. Their star player in Michu along with Chelsea’s Juan Mata and Arsenal’s Santi Cazorla recently bought shares for their former club Real Oviedo. It brought a tear to my eye (not really). I seriously considered putting them into the top 8. Here’s the problem, They just let their manager Brendan Rogers go to Liverpool (a team I like better). Plus, their nickname is The Swans. Why the hell would I want to associate myself with a nickname like that. It’s disappointing considering I was digging the whole players buying a stake of their old, struggling club.

Whoever built this stadium needs to come to Quebec and build the Nordiques a stadium on the fly

Norwich City: Founding member of the Premier League in 1992-1993, actually finishing third in the inaugural season. They are nicknamed “the Canaries” from 1907 on on account of Norwich being known for Canary breeding. If I could have found more fun facts such as this, They might have sneaked into the elite 8. On the flip side, their stadium was built somehow in 82 days. I swear, it’s true. I know this isn’t the goal, but Stadium safety should probably be high. Just saying.

Everton: The toughest emission by far. Their best player Marouane Fellaini sports this incredible afro like lid. His playing style could be described as brute, physical, tough. Basically, its everything you wouldn’t expect from someone with a French background (I’m kidding).  They are a perennial top-6 team, which is good for me. They were part of the Heysel Stadium disaster as a result of being banned from most European trophies, and sold Wayne Rooney to Man U in 2004. One problem, I kind of like Liverpool better. Scratch that, I like Liverpool much better than Everton. Sorry about that. Plus their nickname is the Toffees. Enough said.

Now we’re on to the top 8. If you still are reading, god bless you. Here’s the top 8 for me, and maybe for yourself.

8. Tottenham: 

In a Nutshell: One of their greatest players was Robbie Keane, a guy who’s notorious for his crazy celebration after goals. They once had a coach named Martin Jol who has brothers names “Cock” and “Dick”. I wish I could say I’m lying. Their current coach is Andre Villas-Boas who looks eerily similar to Juan Mata. A perennial top 6 team, just like Everton. Their best player is Clint Dempsey who is almost universally recognized as one of the best players in the EPL. Their nickname is The Spurs, and one of their celebrity fans, Steve Nash!! One of the 40 greatest players in NBA History.

One reason not to pick them: Their chant involves the word “Yid Army”, I kind of don’t want to be involved with any anti-semitic chants. Now its becoming a big issue with the Society of Black Lawyers. Again, I kind of don’t want to be involved with it. Thank you though.

7. Wigan Athletic: 

In a Nutshell: Their name is Wigan and they’re really athletic. I’m kidding. Their biggest rival is a team by the name of Bolton, a team that isn’t in the EPL. Their best season was in 2006 when they finish 10th in the league. Their biggest loss was to Tottenham in 2009 by the score of 9-1. Jason De Vos, soccer personality for TSN, was voted best player in Division 2 in 2002-2003, so that’s.. something.

One reason not to pick them: Their nickname is the Latics. That might be the laziest nickname I’ve ever seen. That’s like giving the Washington Redskins a nickname called “the Skins”

6. West Ham United:

In a Nutshell: Steeped with tradition and history, great players such as George Hurst and Bobby Moore played for West Ham, especially during the 1966 season in which England won their last World Cup. Known for having a physical approach to the game, their nickname is “The Hammers.” Their anthem is “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” by John Kellette, and uhh. Did I mention that their nickname is “The Hammers”? Seems like something people should remember.

One Reason not to Pick Them: During the 1970′s and the 1980′s (an era renown for fan violence) according to Wikipedia, “rival groups of West Ham Fans from neighbouring areas often did battle with each other at games, most often groups from the neighbouring districts of Barking & Dagenham.” Lets assume that this was true, I kind of want to not have hooligans in my life. It’s been a successful 18 yrs without them, lets keep it going. (Cut to all Vancouver Canuck fans nodding violently).

Now to our top 5, an anticipated top 5. Who will end up #1? That’s for me to still find out, so uhh.. Tune in Sunday and you’ll find out.

Part 2 coming Sunday….

You know the deal. I fake emails from celebrities, you feign interest, and I lose a little self esteem as a result. A shorter mailbag today on account of lack of prep. My bad, so as a result of that, we’re going to extend this to a two parter in part to save my ass. Before we start the proceedings, as a Lakers fan, I feel that a moment of silence should be in order to the Mike Brown Era. Ohh what an era that was. It was a simpler time; full of looks of confusion, lack of in-game adjustments, anaemic offensive sets, and no charisma. He was the kind of guy who meant good things, was a nice guy, and a hard worker. Sadly, Mike was the guy who thought that a read and react offence was  a smart decision when he had one of the smartest offensive point guards in NBA history. He thought that playing Dwight in the high post when he’s been turnover prone for the longest time was savvy. But hey, this is not a time of bashing, this is a time of acceptance and memories. So long live the Mike Brown Era. May we never live through it again. Amen!

Do I really want to come back? One visit with my girlfriend and now everyone assumes that I’ll comeback to the team. I’ve dealt with Kobe already, I’ve already dealt with Ron and Pau. I beat Dwight and Steve in the playoffs two years in a row 2009-2010. Hell, I even grew a moustache so people within the Lakers wouldn’t notice me. Why should I comeback?

Phil Jackson, No Location

There’s no upside towards coming back to the Lakers . In fact, it would almost enhance your legacy if you either coach for another team and lead them to a title or just walk away. Let’s tackle this a little bit. I’ll even do the Hubie Brown second person shtick, just for you. OK, so you’re Phil Jackson. You’ve accomplished everything that there’s to in the NBA. You’ve won 11 titles. You’ve dealt with two of the tree most difficult superstars in the history of the NBA: Jordan and Kobe. You’ve dealt with more uneasy situation then one would realize including: The Jordan Rules fiasco in 1992, MJ’s departure in 1994-95, Dennis Rodman from 1996-1998 specifically in 1998 when his partying went out of control, Kobe and Shaq, the 2004 Lakers, Kobe in his gunner phase 2004-2007, Kobe pushing for a trade. Hell, you even dating Jerry Buss’s daughter. Seriously. What do you have left on your check-list. You’ve done the MJ experience, you’ve done the Kobe experience. You want to do the Kobe route again?

Please Moe, you’ve got to help me here. I’m getting crucified by Raptor bloggers everywhere. They say that I can’t shoot, dribble, defend, even make layups. They’re saying that I’m morbidly overpaid, and that I might become their whipping boy soon. My agent and I had to throw out the old “visiting the hand specialist” news just so people will give me some sympathy.  What do I do?

Landry Fields, Toronto

To all Toronto Raptor fans, I say the following with as much love and care as possible. Umm. If I were you Landry, I would play up the whole “seeing a hand specialist” as much as possible. I would even go further and say that you have a cracked bone in your hand, and that’s restricting the motion and feeling within your hand. I’m saying this Landry because those are pretty vicious when the pickings is right. Do you remember what they did to Charlie V. They still don’t like Bargnani even though he’s their first overall pick in 06. Lowry is out with an ankle injury, and he’s their favourite player. It’s not looking good for you. If all else fails, uhh, how would feel about the idea of becoming a colour commentator. You seem like a nice guy. Try that out.

Why do people criticize the way I play. Don’t people realize the picture that I’m trying to put forth. The artist that I’m becoming. It’s hard to be totally apathetic towards passing, rebounding, defence, grooming, hygiene. Why can’t all people like me be recognized for the player that they are. Fuck it, I am Nick Young, I am the voice of the voiceless and I’m the best in the world at what I do!!!

Nick Young, Philadelphia

OK Nick, whatever you say.

By the way, along with this weekly mailbag, we might just do a game called “spot the WWE reference”. I don’t know, winner gets to go on a date with me.

Thinking…. Nah, why would I subject you to that much horror and grief.

I’m not really coming back to Toronto. Hell I don’t want to be associated with Toronto. I just might have the shittiest agent/PR guys in the business. Think about it, really what are the chances that I get my jersey honoured in some way by the Toronto Raptors?

Vince Carter, Dallas

I’m glad you bring this up Wince, because as a former Raptors supporter, this topic has to be brought up. Are Raptor fans suddenly taking up the hobby of smoking crack and we don’t know it? Let’s review his resume.

1. Went to his graduation on the day of the most important game in franchise history and missed the game winning shot at the buzzer
2. Was granted a 94 million dollar full guaranteed contract, a contract that basically allowed him to become a wuss overnight.
3. Year by year, he began to drive to the basket less and less on account of being the softest superstar in NBA history
4. Hated freezing Canada. (OK, I might have made that part up)
5. Admittedly did not try for the last few weeks which killed his trade value and resulted in one of the worst trades ever
6. from 2002-2004, he played in 176 of 246 games (72%).

I think you could do the math. Now to the people that will get on my ass and say he put Toronto on the map. I’ll give you that. His performance in the 2000 Slam Dunk contest was memorable. his duel with Iverson in the 01 playoffs was magical. I get that. The guy admitted to not trying his hardest during his last days in T.O. Isn’t that your job as a professional athlete. To be in shape and try your hardest? Hell, for the all the crap that Kobe gets, Not trying his hardest ins’t one of them. So please, Raptor fans, get some help. See a shrink. The words Vince Carter and honour shouldn’t be within the same border of each other.

Why does TNT always have to stick me with a reporter that gives me shitty questions? Don’t they ever learn. Didn’t they see that “epic” four word interview me and Sager had. Why do they even bother? I’m trying to win a fifth championship. Fuck!!

Greg Popovich, San Antonio

I’d say something, but I’m afraid that I might be on Popovich’s hit list if I try to say something about him. I’ll just leave it as is. It’s weak but whatever. What do you want from me. It’s Friday!

Does anybody notice that I’m having the all time “eff you because you didn’t pay me contract” year. Ya I’m still not shooting well, but I’m averaging over 10 assists per game and a PER rating of over 24. Why isn’t anybody noticing?

Brandon Jennings, Milwaukee

uhh…

(Frantically googling)

It’s true. Everything is true, and considering that the second best player on your team is averaging an 11 PER rating, and I can’t even name four other players on your team, you should be getting more attention, but you’re not, so I guess you’ll have to settle for this as an alternative. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

You suck by the way, did I ever not mention this to you. Because you picked us to be a fantastically deep, exciting team. the exact opposite happened. I just want to let you know that you can go to hell!

Denver Fans, Denver

Count me in, you asshole!

Antwan Jamison, L.A.

Hey, that’s harsh!

Isn’t the world just fantastic? Not only do I have the best team in the NBA. Not only do I have a team so complementary to what I do, I could get a triple double in my sleep. I’m in heaven right now. 

LeBron James, Miami

this is depressing, we need a pick me up here. How about this:

Actually, we’re going to have to end the mailbag right there. Sorry to guys such as Andrew Bynum, Mike D’antoni, Bryan Colangelo and more, trust me, you’ll get on next week (assuming I’m even going to this again).  

(Quick note: since the dumbest lockout in sports history has now gone into the month of November, and because of that, hockey fans that read this website won’t get their fix because well.. Who the fuck would write about a lockout when there’s 200 talking heads in Canada that can do it for us. So we’re going to get a little creative here on Pro Sports Blogging. Until the NHL and the NHLPA actually pull up their pants and allow the NHL to run business once again, we’re going to run retro-diaries of the greatest/random games in hockey history. Actually, I can’t speak for the rest of the guys here, but I’m going to  start the trend, and hopefully float. If anybody wants to join, by all means. Any ways, back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress…  )

On Friday, I was on YouTube, had time to kill until my 4:30 English 102 class, stumbled onto Game 3 of the 1987 Canada Cup and immediately was hooked. Why?  It’s not everyday you get to watch the greatest hockey game since the 72 Summit Series. It’s not every day that I get to here names of Russians I can’t pronounce and It’s not everyday you get to see, maybe the two greatest players in hockey history combining on a historic goal to defeat those damn Soviets, (sorry for going a little pro-Canada on you, I’ll try and remain impartial from this point forward.)  So in honour of the great Bill Simmons, and Gary Bettman; commissioner of maybe the dumbest, lockout ever. I’m going to try and fire up a retro diary of this spectacle. For the sake of purposes, the time of each event will correspond to my break in between my classes. Here’s what transpired:

1:30 PM: We are coming to you live from, uhh…..

(Quickly Googling “1987 Canada Cup.”)

(Reading.)

Hamilton? Sure that works, and our broadcast duo is, uhh…

(Googling “broadcasters of the 1987 Canada Cup.”)

Dan Kelly and Ron Reusch? Dan Kelly and Ron Reusch???? Good god I’m fired up!!!! Aren’t those two great, Canadian broadcaster names. Now I’m ready. It’s on!!! (Quick tangent: Dan Kelly died 2 years after the 87 Canada Cup. Just that alone should grant him access into the NHL Hall of Fame. Just look at this resume:

• 16 Stanley Cup Finals broadcasted
• Under his belt are iconic moments such as: Bobby Orr’s Stanley Cup winning goal in 1970, Gretzky to Lemieux in 87, and Bob Nystrom’s 1980 Stanley Cup winning goal against the Flyers.
• Primary hockey broadcaster of the 88 Winter Olympics. (An event we’re still trying to have amnesia over.)
• His Son, John Kelly, is the play by play broadcaster for the St. Louis Blues

I mean, now that’s a resume. Anyways….

1:39 Puck Drop:

Grant Fuhr and a Russian I can’t name are your goalies for Tonight’s rumble. Igor Larionov and Mark Messier are gonna take the faceoff. It’s Canada USSR!!!! Feel the excitement!!!

1:40: I know, I’m shocked as you are, but we have a goal sighting and it’s Sergei Makarov on a one timer from Vladimir Krutov. I know I’m not the encyclopedia of hockey, but man, could you have imagined the NHL if guys like Larionov, Krutov and Makarov would’ve been allowed to play in North America during their prime years? I’d ranked this up with what if’s such as:

• What if Arvydas Sabonis came into the NBA during the late 1980’s instead of the limited, explosive version we saw during 1995-2003?
• What if Gary Bettman wasn’t put on as NHL commissioner as a savvy ploy from David Stern to rid of one of his competitors?
• What would have happened to the porn industry if the internet never existed?

1:41: It must be said, but whoever made these helmets needs to be in the Hall of Fame. It’ couldn’t have been easy to make these legends look like a word that names with bassbowl.

1:42: it’s been three minutes, YouTube time of course, considering the T.V. feed I got on this video has no score overlay, but these last three minutes beats out anything that happened during the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals. It must be said.

1:44: Best moment of the game so far, Dan and Ron trying to name the Sutter brothers playing in the NHL. Antonio Chramartie should thank these guys anytime he forgets one of his twenty kids on T.V.

1:45: A random guy in the crowd is wearing a baseball cap with HANDS ON IT, and the hands are CLAPPING plus it’s HOLDING A MINIATURE CANADIAN FLAG!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I need to have that hat and it needs to be sold in hat retailers everywhere. That was fucking unbelievable!! I take it back; best moment of the game so far was this guy!!

1:47: I forgot to mention this, but the coach of the 87 Canada Roster; Mike Keenan! And the people of Calgary just left their monitors and puked a little inside

1:48: Alexei Gusarov has scored for the USSR!! I’m telling you, these guys can play!

1:50: Another goal for the Soviets! FETISOV!!!!!!!! As a Canadian, if I were watching this game live, I would be freaking the fuck out right now. The Soviets are making this Canadian defense look worse than Chyna circa 1997.

1:51: Canada is going on a powerplay as Igor Kravchuk cross checks Gretzky even though he didn’t even check him, he took two slight whacks and Gretzky flops on the play. On a related note, your officials tonight are Bennett Salvatore, Joey Crawford, and Tim Donaghy. Too soon?

1:53: Rick Tocchet Scores! And the gamblers of New Jersey rejoice!!!!!

1:56: I know that this is going against every fiber of my Canadian instincts, but these refs have allowed Canada to morph into a more talented version of the early nineties NY Knicks.

1:57: Big hit by Messier. Wait, why am I writing as if the game is live?

2:02: Add this to the growing list of things that make’s Gary Bettman’s tenure as commissioner pretty shitty: the trapezoid. I mean, what use this gimmick has, I’ll never know.

2:04: Another goal for Canada!!! Fucking right. Down with the Soviets!!!!! That Tocchet guy has been the best player on the ice for Canada.

2:08: Boy, those Canadian Jerseys scream patriotism, don’t they? Ohh Ya, I forgot. Down with the Soviets!!!!

2:12: the Soviets do it again!! I’d give you the name of the goal scorer, but I can’t spell it for the life of me. Just know that it ended with a kov. Ohh here it is, Andrei Khomutov. Sounds like Russian cold medicine, but whatever. 4-2 USSR

2:14: The end of the first period. I’m also at 946 words. Somebody hand me some bourbon.

2:14: And here we go.

2:17: Big save by Fuhr on Semak, twice. The Robert Horry of goalies does it again!

2:19: I’m going to be honest, I thought I’d be playing video games by this point and quit this charade, but this game has got me hooked. The skating, the talent, the bad helmets, and a skittish crowd have made this diary much more enjoyable.

2:20: Mike Gartner gets away with a slight knee on knee collision on Makarov. Wait, why am I ripping a Canadian?

2:21: So we can get a close up of Paul Coffey tying up his skates with tape yet we can’t get a score overlay? Boy, rough year for 87. Wall Street Crashed, The Larry Bird Era begins to fade, and Bow Wow and Hilary duff were born.

2:23: Gusarov knees Hawerchuk at centre ice. I’d be more pissed at the officiating but I’m supposed to remain impartial through out this diary. Ohh, who am I kidding. “That was a fucking knee on knee!!! Get it together refs!”

2:25: Even Mike Keenan’s mustache looks pissed. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for Canada’s chances to come back.

2:28: I haven’t mentioned this, but Canada’s top powerplay consists of: Gretzky, Lemieux, Rich Tocchet or Mark Messier, Paul Coffey or Larry Murphy and Ray Bourque. Uhh, that’ll work.

2:30: Rich Tocchet, slot man? Nah, that’s too easy

2:31: The crowd in Copps Coliseum just executed the wave. A little bit of me just died.

2:31: Gretzky to Murphy!!!! Goal!!

2:33: One thing that’s been unflappable has been Viktor Tikhonov’s lid. My god is it clutch or what.

2:34: Brent Sutter!!! Another Goal! Down with the Soviets!!!

2:36: Another big Save by Fuhr. Best performance by a goalie who’s allowed 4 goals in a game ever!!!

2:38: I’ve always wondered what players do while in the penalty box. Do they make conversation with the time keepers, blankly stare onto the ice, or do they hit stuff with their sticks/skates. Ohh shit, I’m talking to myself, and this won’t end well, I can promise you that.

2:40: Some Russian took a swan dive and Hamilton is giving him the Business. I Love you Hamilton, let’s not fight again. Ohh Ya sorry, we’re still in 1987, so it’s Soviet, not Russian. My bad!

2:41: Big save on the two on one by the Soviet goalie. If you keep making saves like that one on a Gretzky-Lemieux break, I might even remember your name.

2:43: Dale Hawerchuk on a beautiful sequence scores on a wraparound after launching a typical 1980s shot (slap shot from the top of the circle). 5-4 Canada

2:44: Mike Keenan still looks pissed. Just a gut feeling, but I’m going to suspect he’ll wear out his welcome wherever he coaches, but what do I know, I’m banging out retro-diaries for fuck sakes.

2:46: Ray Bourque goes off on another penalty, He seems a bit edgy. May I prescribe some peppermint tea? No?

2:49: There’s a Canadian Tire ad for a thing called “Motormaster.” I don’t know what that is, but it’s intriguing.

2:50: Another penalty on Ray Bourque, This just isn’t his day.

2:50: Also, another shot of Viktor Tikhonov’s hair. It’s getting better by the minute!

2:52: The announcers just proclaimed Brian Propp as a player who’s improved during the tournament. On a related note, he look’s eerily like a cross between Joe Buck and Dan Patrick.

2:54: The End of the second period, or as I like to call, the moment I officially became an alcoholic. More bourbon please!!

2:54: ta thurd priod begems!!

2:56: CROWD SHOT!! So many fu stashes and mullets on hand. Since when did I die and go into county heaven??

2:58: What a save by Mylnikov as he stones Paul Coffey after a great pass from Gretzky. See, I told you I’d remember his name. I’m a man of integrity.

3:00: Apparently, according to The Canada Cup Profile (sponsored by Labatt), Valeri Kamensky was Player of the Game for Rendez-Vous 1987. What’s Rendez-Vous exactly anyways, is it for beer mongrels like me who couldn’t get laid unless if we pay for hookers. Is it discrete meeting calls for extra curricular activities?  Sign me up!

3:03: There’s so much hooking going on in this game. Not exactly backing up my claim of this game being the best since Game 8 of the 72 Summit Series.

3:06: This period’s been pretty uneventful so far.  However there’s an ad for Air Canada Sports. What the hell was Air Canada Sports? Was that even a thing? I’m onto you Hamilton, you can’t fool me.

3:08: Soooo many offsides!!!!

3:10: if there was a power ranking for best mustaches on each roster, Mike Keenan, and Michelle Goulet would be sp far ahead of the pack, it wouldn’t be funny. Actually, it kind of is.

3:11: Semak, on a one timer, kind of scores five hole on Fuhr. All I’m saying is there’s been some weak goals tonight.

3:14: There’s been so much diving in the game so far. So much for me defending these Soviets.

3:15: I can see why Gretzky developed the chronic back injuries, every time he has the puck, it’s like he has camel humps on his back. I don’t think this would’ve ended well in Today’s NHL.

3:16: Big save by Mylnikov as Hawerchuk dekes two soviets, and launches a wrist shot on target. He’s been remarkable tonight, (save for all the goals.)

3:17: We finally have a “brief” score overlay on the screen. It’s like the production crew in Hamilton have been reading this diary.

3:18: We have entered into “not calling a penalty unless somebody gets clubbed by a 2×4” mode. It’s getting intense. (Not really.)

3:20: Tikhonov calls a timeout and gives some advice to a couple of Soviets on the bench. It probably went a little like this:

Tikhonov: Don’t fuck up or you’ll die, but I’m going to wrap my arm around your shoulders as if I’ m giving good advice. In other words, I’m doing the Kobe.

Guys on the bench: Fine.

(I don’t care if I’ve beaten this joke mercifully, I’ll continue on until its dead, re-animate its corpse, and beat it to death again. Deal with it!)

3:22: Gretzky to Lemieux…. There it is. In the back of the net, and there’s toilet paper flying in the Copps Coliseum. Really, toilet paper is the best you can do Hamilton? What is this? An old school ECW crowd?

More importantly though, THE HANDCLAPPING HAT IS BACK. Ohh have I missed you handclapping hat, look how happy it is. Don’t ever leave me, you here? You’re the reason I’m still who I am!

3:22: Toilet paper aside Hamilton, you’ve made Canada proud. That’s all we can ever ask you to do.

3:23: oddly enough, the Soviets don’t pull their goalie. Seems kind of like the right thing to do, isn’t it?

3:28: And there it is. The Canada Cup commences with Copps Coliseum going into frenzy like levels of excitement and my god they should. Gretzky wins the MVP of the tournament with 3 goals and 18 assists and Mario Lemieux finally became one of us with his iconic goal. (I’m Canadian so… Ya)

All snark and sarcasm aside (and boy there has been plenty), I actually thoroughly enjoyed doing this diary and would like to thank the Soviet Union and Canada for giving us an imperfect, yet dramatic conclusion to the Canada Cup. They made my time travelling a lot more easier.

As Always,

Happy Motoring

(Note: As many of you know, I currently live in Edmonton Alberta. Since Canada only has one NBA team, and it’s currently situated in Toronto, Ontario, you could only imagine the amount of Raptor Kool-Aid that’s been dropped down my throat. So when I was allowed to cover the Toronto Raptors as a blogger for this site, initially, I wasn’t too thrilled. But after the recent DeMar DeRozan signing, I’m the luckiest man on the face of this earth. As of right now, I will not promise that this article will have an unbiased opinion. Ahh who am I kidding, none of them do. Glad we cleared that out of the way.)

When the DeMar DeRozan signing was announced, I quickly took a dump, washed my hands/face and quickly did a Chris Bosh like yell in the house screaming “yes, he’s back!!!” For a quick recap: Bryan Colangelo, son of Jerry Colangelo, was brought over to the Raptors in 2006 as GM and President from the Suns. Considering the guy before that, which was Rob Babcock got 5 cents on the dollar from the Vince Carter trade, and that the Suns overnight became this offensive dynamo, Canadians couldn’t have been happier. Fast forward to present day and the announcement of the DeRozan signing, and I couldn’t pass up the chance to draw up a mock press conference/event just after the signing. We take you know to the proceedings:

(Colangelo walking up. Here he is)

Colangelo: Hello everybody. As you know, this is a landmark day in the history of the franchise. We locked up a kid who averaged a PER rating of less than 13 last season to a 4 yr/$40 million deal. I mean there isn’t any denying that this won’t bring us closer to our future goal ,which is having our fans take a class action on our franchise for not representing them in the best possible way. Any ways, the point here is that DeMar is a signature franchise player, you can’t find 2-guards who can’t shoot,pass, dribble at a high level and pay them to a bad contract. Ohh crap, you can. Ohh f***, what did I get myself into. I need a diversion, lets open the floor to questions

Reporter: So Bryan, obviously with this contract, you are believing in DeMar’s ability to be an impact guy for the next four yrs, What made you come to the realization, so close to the extension deadline rather than playing the season out?

Colangelo: As you know, I was force into being patient because of my job security being in a state of flux after Chris Bosh left. You don’t know how many times I saw guys like Rudy Gay, Andre Iguodala, OJ Mayo on the trade market and wanting to pull the trigger. I couldn’t because of the chaos that was the sell of MLSE to Rogers and Bell. With Rogers and Bell now being the owners of the Raptors, I was thinking to myself “Fucking right, I’m finally free” Low and behold, I overpaid for DeMar.

Reporter: So is this a big risk locking up a player who, to quote John Hollinger “scores about the emptiest 20 points you can get on a basketball court?”

Colangelo: Of course, but that’s how I roll. Ask the guys in Phoenix, they know.

Kyle Lowry’s Agent: So we can expect a max contract for my client?

Colangelo: Ohh ya, anybody have a pen?

(everybody laughs)

Colangelo: Wow, that’s all the question you guys have?

Colangelo’s past transactions: We got some!

Colangelo: Shit, What the fuck are you guys doing here.

Transactions: We don’t want DeMar to become one of us!

Colangelo: What do you mean?

(The ghosts of Colangelo’s past individually take the floor. Shhh, here’s Mr. Charisma himself, the man, the myth, the guy who went to a club when he was “sick”, Hedo Turkoglu!)

Hedo: Ball!

(Everyone claps)

Hedo: Ball!

(Hedo left to go to another underground club, Here comes a guy that nobody ever liked in T.O, Jermaine O’neal!)

Jermaine: Thank you, thank you. As you know, when I was traded to Toronto, I was coming off my worst year since I got to Indiana, I never shot over 50% from the field in my career, and more people remember me for my involvement in the Malace in the Palace, so that obviously meant that I was perfect to come to a team that didn’t really need me and past up a potential all star in Roy Hibbert, but again thanks Bryan.

Roy Hibbert (sarcastically): Ya thanks Bryan, it’s not like I turned out to be anything decent.

(Everyone laughs. Roy is now hopping on a plane back to a team that will actually be good this yr, while Jermaine is well… Any ways, ladies and gentleman. you 7 ft Italian forward who sometimes plays like a wuss, Andrea Bargnani!)

Andrea: Hey, lets stop giving this guy heck. I Like Bryan Colangelo, he’s a great GM. He’s the only guy that drafted a guy that New Yorkers derived “over-rated” in the 2006 NBA Draft. But hey it’s not like I never earned it. I haven’t averaged 7 rebounds per game in a season ever, I’ve never averaged a PER rating over 18, and umm… did I mention that I was a first overall draft pick? Any ways, Go Colangelo!

(Now here’s a man that just feuded with Jalen Rose, Sam Mitchell!)

Mitchell: Thank you. As you know, I was voted by the NBA writers to be the best coach in the league in 2007, even though the NBA was on the tail-end of the dramatic talent drought that spanned from 1996-2007, and my 07 team would at best win 34 games in 2012. Plus I beat out Jerry Sloan, who by the way never won an NBA Coach of the Year award, and did I mention that a year and a half later, my players tuned me out after we had our shit handed to us by Denver, and I was canned after having an below .500 record to start the 09 season. Any ways, we’re here to talk about the positives, not the negatives. I can safely say that I’ve never had a boss as uhhh…. Ohh fuck it. You fired me you asswipe. I’m going to kill you.

Colangelo: Guards!!!!!

(Sorry about that, Sam is still pissed about what happened to him, he’s being carried away by security. lets see here, uhhh. Ah, ladies and gentleman, Jason Kapono.

(Crickets!!!)

Kapono: What, no love. You guys can go fuck yourselves. No wonder nobody signs in Toronto. I was signed here to be another outside three point shooter even though:

1.     The team was top 10 in three points attempted, made, and three point percentage.
2.     I was a liability defensively, and the team sucked defensively the two years I was there
3.     I haven’t had a good moment in the league if you don’t count the NBA three point competitions I was in.

Yet somehow because of the good grace of this man, I was signed to a full mid-level exception. Not only was I set financially, I was fucking set financially! Thank you Bryan, I love you!

(Jason just went up and gave Colangelo a big wet kiss on the cheek. For the first time, Bryan is really starting to seem nervous. Our next guest is a man who needs no introduction. A guy who somehow has at both times in his career wanted to be on a lottery team, and bettered LeBron in the 2011 NBA finals. The Matrix, Shawn Marion!)

Marion: What the hell am I’m doing here? (His agent is whispering to him.) Ohh, go Colangelo!

(Marion and Colangelo both seemed to be confused as to what just happened. Any ways, here’s the man of the hour. The guy who was just inked to a shitty contract, DeMar DeRozan!)

(Everybody is still apoplectic and is lukewarm as DeMar arrives!)

DeMar: Ohh, tough crowd. Big Thanks to Bryan for hooking me up with a contract extension that I would dream of getting in the offseason. I can’t tell you the shock that came with getting this extension. My agent was telling me that if we were lucky, we’d see 80% of the contract that I was offered here, But that’s why Bryan isn’t like most GM’s. Because I said that I liked to be here in Toronto, that basically sealed the deal and got me an extra 5-7 million on the contract. The truth is, I really don’t give a shit about Toronto, but for 40 million, I can sure like Toronto a whole lot more.

Any ways, this isn’t about me, it’s about celebrating the genius of B.C. Because of guys like him, we had a lockout because the middle class was being overpaid. The generosity, the blindness to the fact that I’ve regressed in my efficiency, and that I really don’t do much on the basketball court beside slashing to the rim and dunking. I still can’t defend an actual 2-guard, I don’t pass, I don’t rebound, and my jump shot sucks. But Bryan didn’t care, and neither should you. So a toast is in order to Bryan Colangelo. Bryan, here’s hoping that another guy will join the Bryan Colangelo “I’ll overpay/trade for you, don’t even ask” club. Here here!

[Cut to the crowd … crickets.]

A little wrinkle to the upcoming NBA preview, We’re going to do it mailbag style! Whoohoo! A little note: since these aren’t actual emails from real people, we ‘re going to be answering from well-known celebrities/NBA players. Did I make them up, you’re damn right. Is this a new low for your’s truly, Ya (sobering).  But hey, we all got to start somewhere:

We’re still pissed. Do you realize that our team just gave up the best beard in the business to Houston? Houston!! We were going to have a team that included Perry Jones III and James Harden. Now people are pointing out how just because Harden struggled against Miami, we’re better off having Kevin Martin and Jeremy Lamb back. Do you realize that those two guys combined weigh 180 pounds. Combined, they’ve played 6 playoff games. How are we possibly better off? Why!!!

OKC Fans, Oklahoma City

you’re right, you’re not better off. I’m glad you mention it. The spin the Thunder have done is nothing short of remarkable. They’ve painted this picture of them being a mom & pop shop even though they’re the equivalent of the Green Bay Packers in the NBA. They made between 30-35 million dollars in profit last season. They’ve moulded a likable contender since 2010, and the fans have come out ever since they moved from The City That Shall Remain Nameless. Plus they easily could sell the team given where they currently are for 500 million easily. The Warriors went for 400+, and that team hasn’t been relevant since 07!

Now sadly, they’ve painted Harden as this greedy modern athlete. It’s not like he asked for a trade. They gave him a below market value contract and he said no. OKC could have just run the team back, maybe amnesty Perkins and see what happens in the summer. Who knows, maybe JH’s value decreases and he’s more willing to accept a deal less than the max. Either way, I fully support Harden taking the max. Who cares if you’re going to Houston, What makes people so sure he wouldn’t be dangled in a deal right after. You’re telling me if the Wolves called Sam Presti and said “we’ll give you Kevin Love for Serge Ibaka and James Harden,” they wouldn’t at least think about it. What would happen to Harden’s trust in the OKC’s brass and in OKC in general. you want an example. Rajon Rondo, one of the 15 best players in the NBA, signed a 5 yr $55 million deal which looking back now was highway robbery by the Celts. He was being dangled during the condensed training camp last season when Chris Paul was available. He was also being dangled during the 2009 NBA Draft and that hurt Rondo. Do we really expect that Sam Presti, one of the quickest triggered  GM’s in the league, wouldn’t do the same with Harden when given a chance? Hell, he did the same thing with Jeff Green 2 yrs ago.

You know that music that’s playing? It’s my music! Guess who’s back, back back again. Morey’s back, tell a friend! You doubted me, now you get the Hand!

Dork Elvis (Darrell Morey), Houston

Noted. But please, spare my wife and kids. No Morey! No!!!!!!

You know who has the best job in the world, Me!! I should have been fired after signing Amir Johnson to a $30 million dollar deal, I let Chris Bosh go and could have gotten Bynum as compensation. I basically dealt Roy Hibbert for Jermaine O’neal’s corpse and got away with it. I whiffed on Ed Davis in 2010. I signed Hedo to a 5 year 50 million+ deal in 2009 even though it would kill my point guard’s ability because Hedo handles the ball so much, and I signed Jason Kapono to the full mid-level exception in 2007. Yet nobody mentions it because this city is such a loser sports wise, our season was considered a success last yr because I basically said I’m tanking. Hey, who the Man?

Brian Colangelo, Toronto

OK, You the man! Before Raptor fans vilify me on the comments section below, I will say that getting Kyle Lowry after whiffing on Steve Nash was a borderline great move, drafting the Lithuanian guy was a nice move, and uhh… I can’t remember another one. I tried. A valiant effort on my part.

Ladies and Gentleman, Mike Brown!!

Do I even need to coach this team? Nobody will give me credit if we win a title, and if we lose, I’ll probably get fired and Dwight might leave. Besides, the only time I coached the team last yr was when I benched Andrew Bynum for his immaturity. Why can’t I just “fall” down the stairs and tear my ACL? It’s not like anybody is going to miss me.  

Mike Brown, L.A.

As a Lakers fan, I hope this happens. I know it terrible, but Mike, I’ve seen you coach, and it ain’t pretty.  I watched you coach, and it seemed as if Kobe was actually coaching the team, except the moments when you benched Bynum multiple times. I saw you coach in Cleveland, and I can safely say that you’re the one coach that made me believe I can actually coach an NBA team. By the way, I recently turned 18 and I’ve been on and off towards the NBA, more so on since 2008. I saw you “coach” during the 09 conference finals against the Magic, you allowed the Magic to do what they want. You allowed them to shoot 3′s and you doubled Howard. essentially, you did the exact opposite of what any average NBA fan would have done.

More importantly, the last time we saw a player-coach, it was Dave Cowens in the 78-79 season, wasn’t successful, but that’s not the point. by my count, there’re five coaches that really matter (Popovich, Rivers, Karl (and it pains me to put him here), Adelman, and Thibodeau), decent-good coaches (Casey, Spolestra, Corbin, Brooks, Drew, Gentry, Frank, Collins, and Skiles), and the rest. That’s 14 coaches. Notice how I didn’t put Mike Brown into any of those. Why can’t we have player-coaches in the NBA? I’d rather put the faith of my team in Kobe/Nash/Howard’s hands than Mike Brown.

But hey, I was the guy that didn’t use Wally Szczerbiak’s expiring contract on guys like Carter, Richard Jefferson, Marcus Camby (when he was still good) in the 09 NBA Trade deadline. I have to take some flak for it don’t I?

Danny Ferry, Atlanta

Yes, you basically could have gotten LeBron the second option he desperately needed. The fact that you somehow dealt Joe Johnson for expiring contracts that aren’t terrible basketball players almost makes up for everything from the last 4-5 years. You basically became a cult hero to all 24 Atlanta basketball fans, and you should be commended for that. By the way, I never would have ever though I would use the word commended in a Danny Ferry paragraph ever. The Mayans were right, s***’s about to hit the fan.

You know who controls the faith of your favourite team, Me! Kobe Bean Mamba Bryant! The ceiling/floor for our team is enormous. there’s an equal chance we either win the championship or lose in the second round against a team like Denver or the Spurs. According to you, yes I read your stuff, you said I recently turned into the NBA’s version of Charlie Sheen. I find that disrespectful. I’m trying to create my own zone, The Kobe Zone. Exclusively for members who are nearly universally viewed upon as one of the 10 greatest players in the NBA that turn kind of go off the deep end and say anything they want near the end of their careers. Plus, I can easily say, “I’m going to shoot us to the title because I still think that I’m the Kobe from 2008″, and ruin the whole dynamic of the team. I’m waiting…

Kobe Bryant, L.A.

(Searching for a comeback). Ah  here’s one. I like the move, embrace the heel within you Kobe. Tell Steve “F*** you, I’m going to be the offence, I still think I’m 06 Kobe and get any shot I want. Give me the ball. I’m going to take every crunch time shot and all you guys can get the F*** out of my way.” The closest you came was from 04-06 when you were nearly heel, but not really. Embrace it Kobe, hit Dwight with a steel chair, turn on your fans, come out to the NWO theme whenever you are introduced. Do the DX crotch chop. Be the heel!!

(Note: this is going to be the point of the mailbag where I’m not going to promise the quality of content from this point forward will be any good. Glad we cleared that out.)

When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside; ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide. Good times!!

What ya gonna brother, when LeBronamania runs wild on you!!

LeBron James, Miami

Dear god, we’re screwed!!

Isn’t it weird that because of my inspirational return from throat cancer, everything I did pre-2010 is kind of nullified. Seriously, who in the history of the NBA has had a Mulligan like that put upon them?

George Karl, Denver

That’s true, I don’ think any coach has had that type of Mulligan before. Before I say anything, I would like to say that it really was an inspirational story that George Karl came back and is still coaching the Nuggets today. If there’s one thing I’ll give you, it’s that the 2010 Denver Nuggets were never the same after your absence. One of the great comeback stories in NBA history. Now that that’s out of the way, lets all agree that Karl’s pre-2010 resume as an NBA coach is spotty given his reputation among fans and within the league. This is the same guy that presided with not making the playoffs in 2002 with Milwaukee after having the fourth seed near the all star break. This is the same guy that lost two games in the 09 western conference finals because of botched inbound plays. He also presided with being the first coach to lose to an eight seed ever, and it took him four solid games before he finally put Gary Payton (only the best defensive guard in his era) on MJ in the 96 NBA Finals. But other than that, seems likes a fine resume.

Are my knees made out of fibre-glass or what? I haven’t been able to catch a break in nearly two years, and it’s all because of Melo. I’m going to try to plant drugs on him and reclaim my position as alpha dog on the Knicks.

An Injured Amare Stoudemire, New York

Hey look, I never advocate for violence or anything of that matter, but Mike D’antoni was the guy who ran you rampant for the first months of your Knicks tenure. If there’s anybody who you should be planting drugs on, It’s Mike.

Why doesn’t Amare like me?

Carmelo Anthony, New York

Other than the above statement, probably because you immediately came into his team and somehow quickly became the alpha dog of the Knicks. It may be also due to the fact that the three best players on the Knicks actually can’t play well together at the same time, you really excel as a four, and everybody is hoping that Amare comes off the bench. See where that might get Amare a little testy?

Woooo!

You know who’s coming to Charlotte Bobcat games from now on, me, Ric Flair! Wooo! I’m the dirtiest player in the game and I’m a wheeling and dealing son of a gun! Wooo!

Ric Flair, Wrestling

Woooo! For the record I wish this would happen, it was hilarious when he was introduced in Carolina playoff games in 2009! Woooo!

(Quick Tangent: We rag on athletes for not leaving at the right time of their careers. MJ came back for the Wizards, Brett Favre came back with the Jets/Vikings. You know what Mike Tyson comeback’s are all about, and Vanilla Ice, I don’t even know if he even had a comeback because a comeback implies you came from somewhere. Point is, Flair should have left after his 5-star Wrestlemania XXIV match with HBK. It was basically wrestling porn for hardcore fans. Problem was, We think of it as if that’s the way he should leave. He didn’t, and now that classic against HBK is fading more and more from our memories.)

Why does Mark Cuban hate me?

Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas

Ohh he doesn’t hate you Dirk, he just gave away a title defence in the way of trying to acquire D-12 and D-Will. Need a little advice, if the season starts off poorly, take him for hostage until your knee gets better. Seems like a good distractor, doesn’t it?

Hey man, stop trying to be funny and get to more serious stuff, like whether or not we kill Rudy Gay for not showing up and dominating the likes of Nick Young, a one handed Caron Butler, and Randy Foye (who by the way is about 6-8 inches shorter than him) against the Clippers last season. We’re thinking the all star break, any suggestions?

Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol, Memphis

(no comment)

You haven’t done it yet!

Amir Johnson, Toronto

Now?

Then When?

John Lucas III

Fine fine fine!!  Amir Johnson, John Lucas III, Ladies and Gentleman, Your 2012-2013 Toronto Raptors!!! Feel the optimism!!!

All right all right, you’ve had enough fun. You’ve token your shots at people, you pretended that you were actually fun for a while. Now tell us, who’s going to win the title this year, and remember, if you don’t pick our team, we’re going to hunt you down and torture you!

NBA Fans, Everywhere

All right. I thought I could avoid this, and I actually went a pretty good of amount before I had to come to this. It’s LeBron. I know it’s the sexy pick, I know that every expert is going to predict it or the Lakers. Just know that any sub-plot, any juicy storyline dwarfs in comparison to LeBron journey towards immortality. I said it on a previous article It’s his year and it’s his title to lose. If history has taught us anything, with the exception of a few outliers (Shaq, Wilt), a guy with the talent as grand as LeBron will dominate for anywhere for 3-8 years. MJ did it, Magic and Bird did it, Hakeem did it, Shaqobe did from 00-02, Kobe kind of did it from 08-10. Pantheon players who peak during the playoffs return more inspired than ever. If it happens, and I think it will, that means two straight titles and four MVP’s trophies in five years. The last time somebody has ever done it, a name by the way of Bill Russell.

For the first time, I feel myself starting to waver a little. I never watched Jordan save for his last season in Chicago. Maybe Michael Jordan won’t remain the greatest basketball player ever. It’s not like I have many memories to go back to. Maybe we were wrong. That’s why I’m giving LeBron the title, if anything because I selfishly want him to achieve Jordan like greatness. I want to tell my grand-kids “I got to see one of the three greatest players in the history” I can’t say it with Russell and MJ, can’t say it with Kobe. LeBron, maybe.

So that’s what left for Lebron. He already conquered the league, now he’s got to conquer the ghosts of our memories.

The following happened to your’s truly before Dork Elvis and Sam Presti decided to throw every blogger/ talking head a bone unlike most:

1. I took a nap
2. I woke up
3. Ate
4. Went to School
5. came back and slept

Sorry about that, I got my weekday timeline mixed with what I did a few hours ago. Anyway, I was flipping channels when I checked my phone, went on twitter, and saw this tweet from @WojYahooNBA ”Rockets send Kevin Martin, Jeremy Lamb and future draft considerations to the Thunder for Harden sources tell Y! Sports.” Whaat, is that it? That’s f***** insane! I’m going to just start typing and hope it turns into something coherent.

Winner: Dork Elvis (Darrell Morey)

Guess who’s back, back again. Elvis back, back again! The power of Dork Elvis never cease to amaze me. He was in a rut after a mediocre summer splash. He let Kyle Lowry go for a first round pick, and he overpaid for Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik. I thought he was running out of juice, I clearly was wrong, and there’s a reason why I’m not a GM. I’ll never ever doubt Darrell Honalulu Abdul Morey again

Winner : Royce White:

The most fascinating pick from the 2012 NBA Draft gets to play with one of the most fascinating players overall in the NBA. More importantly, White and Harden now are by far the most deadly, bearded 1-2 combo in the NBA. Who doesn’t win?

Winner: Kevin Martin:

Let’s get this out of the way, to the people that think that Kevin Martin will fill the void that James Harden left, you people need to be electrocuted right on spot. I like Kevin Martin. He can shoot, he can score, he’s got by far one of the weirdest shooting forms I’ve seen in a long time, and doesn’t need the ball in his hands all the time. That being said, the guy can’t play D, he’s not a great passer, and he’s played in 6 playoff games in his eight year career. However, he gets to play with Durant, Westbrook, and Ibaka. He’s in a contract year, so you know he’s going to give a s***, and he’s going to be the third option on a title contender. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he’s got it pretty good right now.

Loser: Small Market Teams in the Future

Congratulation OKC, you’ve basically told every small market team “hey even though we were making revenue and currently have a team that will at the very least be something along the lines of the 1990′s Indiana Pacers, we can’t afford to keep three max guys on our team.”

Winner: Kevin Mchale

Here was what Kevin Mchale would have had to deal with before the Harden deal:

1. Kevin Martin (contract year)
2. Jeremy Lin (still not 100% even though it’s been 7 months)
3. Omer Asik (nobody knows how he’ll handle heavy minutes)
4. Royce White
5. Terrence Jones (inconsistent motor in college)
6. Jeremy Lamb (poor man’s Kevin Martin)

Translation, “why do I deserve this? Why me? I played through the 87 NBA Playoffs with a broken ankle. I had to put up with Larry Bird on a consistent basis. I personally gave the Celtics the 2008 NBA championship by accepting 60 cents on the dollar for KG. What did I do to piss you off god!” Now, he gets to work with a core of James Harden, Jeremy Lin, Royce White, and Omer Asik. I usually don’t advocate for gambling, but… I would seriously think of taking the over on the over/under win total on the Rockets.

Loser: OKC Fans

I feel bad for them. After supporting this team since that slime Clay Bennett stole the team from Seattle, they’ve done everything well. The team had a sense of an Eff You type of year, and now all of the sudden, they’ve got this void in their hearts. They loved that guy. He was arguably their second most favourite player after Durantula. Remember how close that got last season.

Now, they could be potentially throwing away a chance at being a potential dynasty just because they wanted to be fiscally responsible. I think this is a good time to point out that this team has never paid the luxury tax, put forth an exciting, likable contender since 2010, and generated $24.5 million in operating income according to Forbes revenue numbers. To basically say to your fans “ya we can’t pay the luxury tax even though small markets such as Cleveland (08-10) and San Antonio (2009) did” is just a slap in the face. I love Sam Presti, and I don’t totally blame him here for what he had to do, just know that the last time a young team that was on the verge went against paying the luxury tax to keep the team (2005-08 Phoenix Suns, thanks to Robert Sarver), that team slowly but surely began to crumble. Joe Johnson broke his nose in 05, Amare had micro-fracture surgery in 06, Big Shot Rob hip-checks Nash in 07, Duncan hits an improbable three in 08, and Kobe finished what was left of the Run and Gun Suns in 2010. I hope the OKC brass goes to sleep knowing the potential consequences they put forth. The Thunder did what they had to do, and Harden did the same. Let the NBA Season begin.

Shakespeare and the NBA? Shakespeare and the NBA? A guy who has been dead for hundreds of years is being compared to the upcoming NBA season, a season that might be the greatest one since 1992-1993? You’re damn right I’m going there. Why? Uhh… I don’t have a reason, but I’m doing it. A lot like Gary Bettman, I’m doing it because I can. (By the way, this won’t be the first and last time Gary will be mentioned in this column). I’m sure you’ve read articles and columns detailing the upcoming NBA season, bloggers (like the one’s we have here on Pro Sports Blogging. I know it’s a shameless plug, but I’m the new kid) have detailed storylines and division previews locked and loaded. Teams have spun their fans into a false sense of confidence (including one that I’ll rip later), and the hope that players such as DeMarcus Cousins and Javale McGee can replicate the comedy bloggers like me crave for. So with all that said, really Shakespeare? Let me explain, I needed a challenge. OK that’s a lie, this won’t be a challenge, I’ll fall flat on my face. However, uhh…. Ya I’m reaching with this gimmick, but just nod and let’s get this over with. You nodding? Good. Without further ado:

“The course of true love never did run  smooth” (A Midsummer Night’s Dream)

To the Miami Heat, and they’re journey over the last two years. Although in reality, this is all about LeBron. After nine years of picking his game apart, he’s become the player he needs to be. Or at least the player we always wished he can get. I have to say this and get this out of my chest, he dominated the  playoffs last season in a way we never saw someone dominate since Shaq in 2000. We saw what happened to Shaq after the 2000 NBA Finals, he coasted the next two years, using the regular season as a platform to get into shape, and ripped through the playoffs lie nobody could. It worked, even though the next eight years of his career was significantly screwed as a result.

So where does LeBron go from here? Does he go the Shaq/Wilt rout or the MJ/Bird/Magic rout? We don’t know, and maybe even LeBron doesn’t know. Just know that this could be a swag year for LeBron. With his performance in the playoffs last season, he basically told us “stop picking my game apart, stop picking my personality apart. Leave me alone. I’m the best player in the NBA, I have nothing to prove to you, I’m one of the 15 greatest players ever and nothing withstanding, I’m going to rip through the next 5 yrs like nobody has since MJ in his mega-apex.” He’s won a championship, now he’s battling for something greater.

“That it should come to this!” (Hamlet)

To the Sacramento Kings, who if it has to come to it, would be the odds-on favourite to have a fist fight within their team. I cannot say this strongly enough, just look at their roster. I mean for gods sake: Marcus Thornton, John Salmons, Tyreke Evans (contract year), Jimmer, Boogie Cousins, Aaron Brooks. It’s a fantasy team. No wait, it’s like a rec league dipped in acid. Don’t forget, this team could still move, David Stern isn’t going to be there after 2014, and he’s been hard-headed when it comes to helping the viability of the small markets (see Hornets, New Orleans). Now Adam Silver, who by all accounts seems like he’ll bend on issues more so than Stern did. Wouldn’t he see Seattle and say “Why do I have to deal with the Maloofs, I’m just going to frame them so they can be removed  by the Board of Governors and then we can get Seattle Boogie cousins.” Thinking… OK maybe that won’t happen, but damn that would be great.

“This is the very ecstasy of love” (Hamlet)

The Mile-High City, who should be very proud of the team they have assembled, gets the role call. That team is going to be a bitch to deal with. Over the last couple of yrs, they went from a team that was held captive by Melo to a wheeling and dealing son of a gun. (Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Ric Flair videos lately, I think it’s a phase). Now, George Karl has this pot luck dinner in his hands and he gets to serve it to the rest of the league. (OK I promise, that’s the last time I’ll use analogies). Point is, as a Lakers fan, I am scared to death of seeing this team 3-4 times a season. They can go 10 deep, they’ve got a defensive monster in Iguodala, and this could be McGee’s breakout year. Both in the comedy department, and on the basketball court.

“The fact of the matter is there are just sometimes that you need to take time off because it’s clear that you can’t do anything to move the process forward.”  (Bettman) 

Sorry. I mistakenly mixed up my Shakespeare with Gary Bettman. Man, even in an NBA column, Gary’s got me disappointed. But hey, any time a commissioner has the chance to lockout its players after generating over three billion dollars in revenue and had an exciting, riveting Stanley Cup Playoff, you’ve got to do it.

“What’s done is done” (Macbeth)

To the NY Knicks who turned a weird team into.. A weird team.  Only in New York. Their front court is still a mess. Amare is out with a  knee injury that from reports, will need 3-5 weeks to heal. Which would give people like me 5 weeks to yell at our TV screen that Melo is a 4 and the Knicks have to bring Amare off the bench.  They didn’t handle the Lin situation  well to say the least, and their bench is a bunch of spare, rusty parts that don’t complement the big 3.  Hold on I’m not done…

I’ve played in the league seven years, about to be eight, I came in out of shape one year and that’s all anybody wants to talk about. … (Raymond Felton)

I’m sorry, but I had to put this quote up. Thank you Raymond Felton. You’ve made this column 25% more enjoyable just cause of that one quote. In fact for every dollar I make, I’ll give you 20%. Wait I don’t get paid for this? Really? OK never mind, but thanks Ray.

“For you and I are past our dancing days” (Romeo and Juliet)

Lots of candidates to choose, so little words to spare. I say we go.. West and specifically to the barbecue capital of the world. Where the weather might be great, but their star player, Dirk Diggler, might be hitting the wall. We know what’s happened since 06 for Dirk: punked by the warriors in 07, a four year abyss where he performed remarkably but never went far in the playoffs, wins a ring, condition lacking during the lockout and now has his knee scoped and is out for 6 weeks. The mounting evidence suggests that Dirk sold his soul for a ring, and hell, he probably agrees. But now you’re asking him to play with the likes of Chris Kaman, Elton Brand, Vince Carter and OJ Mayo. Ya you’ve got a ring, but boy if I’m Dirk, I might take Mark Cuban hostage until the knee gets better.

“I’ll not budge an inch” (Taming of the Shrew)

Kobe!!!! As a lakers fan/homer, it’s ironic that arguably, The Greatest Laker ever is the guy I’m most worried. He recently got into a little feud with Smush Parker over how he should be glad to have his 20 minutes of fame. Trust me, it was as uncomfortable as it sounds. One of the eight greatest players in the history of the NBA, one of the most famous players of all time has now gone over the deep end and turned into the NBA’s version of Charlie Sheen. Strangely enough, I kind of like it for Kobe. I wanted him to go heel after the Shaq trade in 04 and I guess we’re getting the heel turn 8 yrs later. Ohh well, better late than never.

“Though this be madness, yet there is method in”t” (Hamlet)

Actually, for the Washington Wizards, the quote’s a complete lie. This team is a mess. The fact that Ernie Grunfeld, the same guy who traded away the fifth overall pick in the 09 draft for Randy Foye and Mike Miller, is still the GM of the Wizards should allow the fans to take legal action against them. Hey look, I’m all for getting rid of guys who are making the locker room toxic. That’s great. Hell I’ll even look past the Nene trade just because I’m in a good mood courtesy of Raymond Felton. The idea that you would waste such an expiring contract in Rashard Lewis for cap-crippling contracts in Trevor Ariza and Emeka Okafor where you could have picked up guys like Elton Brand, Dorrell Wright, Luis Scola to name a few, for a tenth of the price just astounds me. You’re essentially saying to your fans “hey, people don’t want to come here, it doesn’t matter that you’re in a big market and the president is in The White House, Washington isn’t a destination for free agents.” But hey, what do I know.

“O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?”  (Romeo and Juliet)

Sadly, Derrick Rose’s ACL is making me write about this. It’s such a shame that one of the great athletes we’ve seen won’t be back until maybe March if he’s lucky. It’s even more sad considering there are many more people who I’d rather see get their ACL torn apart. Off the top of my head:

1. Corey Maggette (Career loser)
2. Vinny Del Negro (incompetent)
3. Mike Brown (clueless and it would help my team)
4. Vince Carter (hasn’t tried since 2001, and flat out quit on the Raps)

“This above all: to thine own self be true”  (Hamlet)

To the upcoming NBA season, a season in which it might rival everything we saw in the 1992-1993 season: MJ was at his mega-apex, Chuck at his apex, the Knicks were relevant, Petrovic and Reggie Miller were fighting it out for most annoying shooter in the NBA, Hakeem dolling out 25-13′s like it’s nothing. It was just something that we never saw, until now. We’ve got feuds (LA/NY interstate rivalries), my team possibly doling out four future HOF’s in the starting lineup. The Kings possibly starting a self-inflicted brawl, the Thunder potentially having an “Eff You” season, Rose’s comeback, teams (Minnesota if healthy, Denver) making the leap. Fun, engaging sub-plots that bloggers and talking heads will conjure up to past the time.

Just know that it all comes back to LeBron. His performance last season was the most important revelation the NBA has had since the one season Shaq decided to stay in shape. It’s his year and nobody knows how he’ll handle it. Just know that his embracing of a position-less lineup might be the most scariest thought any fan outside of Miami will have. When Erik Spoelstra said the words, “Thinking conventionally that first season with LeBron — that was my biggest regret as a coach. I put LeBron in a box. And that’s the worst thing I could have done.” I nearly cried. Of all the storylines, that’s the one I come back to. As a Lakers fan, I’m frightened, as a basketball fan, I’m jumping for joy.

Like it or not, we are all witnesses!